The past few weeks have been long. I find myself now in an awkward stage of life where thoughts are materialising- for the better & the worse.

Some words, left unspoken will remain buried because sometimes you get only 1 chance at it. I didn't take that chance and I only hope that you will know how much you meant to me all these years of my life. In the most unique ways, you showed me how certain you are of what you want & how you live with what you chose to do. I hope that I will learn some of that....

Some things, left unattended, is as good as sweeping them under the carpet. They will re-surface. I'm reminded of Robert Frost's 'The Road Not Taken'..... & I ponder; if indeed the road not taken is the answer. Who knows what lies ahead.....
One of my worst attributes is being irrationally impatient. And it is this very attribute that throws me to the other end of waiting a lil too long of a time, only to realise my chance has passed.

I know I adapt well, suffer a little bit @ the beginning, and keep on well then on. It's the thought of going through that again which puts me out of my mind. About the same time, last year; I recall being in almost a same situation. So probably the reason why I'm here again this time, this year... is that I have yet to learn what I was due to learn.

Finding calm alone... I think I do live up to 'July babies'... Crabs. Retreat!
So yes, just as well, I look forwarad to more quiet times @ work next week. Even if it's just a few days, I know I'll make sure I make use of those quieter times to think deeper.

Wonders...

...how did I end up doing what I do today...

And I wonder... is it just me or I'm feeling totally incapable of showing human concern sometimes. No, I'm not inhuman...
But is it also humanly possible to be concerned when you're also so drained you don't know what to say... ?

Things have taken a turn for me. Deb in the past would blow @ the high of her frustrations etc... Deb today, has somehow found the need to be quiet.. and finds solace in it. Strangely, that has been taken for being inconsiderate or very 'cool'..... Even stranger- Deb doesn't really wanna care too...

Is that dangerous? .........

I look ahead, I see a direction of uncertainty
I look inside, I see uncertainty
I take a step back, I take a deep breath, I feel a slight flicker of assurance; but with an achy feeling of uncertainty still

I walk away, and I look up, I know the answer will unfold in Your time.

I have this rather.. dangerous flaw- I let my mind wander far far away when I'm not working on something. Figured it was my rightful weekend of lazing for the SOLE reason to recover, I tried and I'm still trying to do nothing (tho I see the clothes in need of de-creasing staring at me..)

Anyway, back to the 'flaw'... what did it do this time?

Somehow I ended up clicking through old pictures and that's when my mind started wandering... Then and now, I still wonder of the 'what if's, only if's, wonder if's.....

Yep, well.. snap snap.. bck to reality! =)

On a Day Like Today...

I woke up this morning, contemplating whether or not to work today. The better got to me and I decided it'd be wiser to stay home, rather than spreading my bug at this time where the term 'flu' is SO sensitive.
Yep, I'm down with a cold. Nope, it's not the infamous A(H1N1)- already checked & cleared. It's purely bad timing and lacking quality rest.

So, why am I not in bed? Many of us envy our counterparts when they get an MC & we go... 'oh man.... how i wishh....'.... C'mon, admit it... I know you have! We try or hope for ways we would get away with a day from the office just to sleep in etc...

Seems to work otherwise for me. Firstly, I don't rest anyway. Something will come up and I'll end up spending way less quality time with my bed & so called rest. Secondly, it's strange how I woke up this morning, still feeling the hangover effect of the so-called magic pill 'Piriton'; and the first thing that crossed my mind is that I'm going to skip my clinic day today. It's even more strange that I seriously do not like dealing with patients for the reason that I don't like hearing them complain about the bad service the government offers them, that original 'L*****R works and this one doesn't work etc...

But over the 2 months plus, I realised that I enjoy spending time with patients who would listen and are eager to listen to how they can help themselves apart from coming to the hospital clinics for review. Giving them the power to empower themselves, setting targets for them and making sure they hit those targets... gives me satisfaction. Yes, sometimes there will be *heartbreaks* when I get some sort of demoralising remarks like, 'I know u're a pharmacist, how come you give me medicine that's not original ah... '.... or , 'I don't have time for this, i'll be fine if i take my medicines'
Well, to counter that, my reply would be, 'originals are not the only options, generics have its bioequivalence studies, COMPARABLE to original, and they save more money so that more people can be given good drugs as well, not just for rich people who DEMAND for good drugs in the hospital because it's FREE'...... and something like , 'studies have proven that there are other things apart from drugs that are VITAL for you, and if you don't believe me, look up in the internet & ask around, when u're insterested, come back and see me.'

Anyway, I've always asked for an opportunity to bless others with my own working hands, and I suppose this is it. The starting was rough, having to build the rapport first with new staff & sometimes nosy and unbelieving people who would say things like ,'you guys have a lot of free time to be doing this huh..'..... Sometimes clinics give me the dread, but I thank God that on such days, He would bring in one or two patients that would be grateful for the extra bit of education/information to give them more confidence that their health is not dependent on the hospital but also hugely dependent on themselves. When they have that empowerment, it's amazing how they open up to you to reveal all sorts of information they wouldn't dare to tell their docs.. and that's where I get down to business. Setting up care plans for them, targets, 'homework' for them... all these give them a sense of power and control over themselves.

Of course, the society we live in are getting more educated by the day. Sometimes the more educated we are, the more resistant to changes we are. The challenge really lies in this category of people. Although, they're not really my primary concern. My concern lies in those who have no access to information of such, and who live in ignorance because they feel their lives are less important.

A friend of mine shared some thoughts about work, here in this land below the wind. It's encouraging to see that such passion lies in this generation of people working in the government setting, especially knowing that there are many who care and are willing to go the extra mile to make a difference, slowly scrapping off the mentality of government staff.

So, I suppose, regardless of how remote the area we are at, regardless of how unsupportive the environment we live in; persevere on & be sure to know that you will see the purpose soon enough.

Now, it's time to see the doc.

Seriously speaking...

How do you rid the feeling of unbelonging? Does that mean that your time at that place is over?
When I first got here, I immediately fell in love with this place. Day in, day out... it's almost 2 years now. I still love this place, but I'm starting to feel trapped. It's strange how I feel like I have no room maximising my potential & living life to the fullest.

I want to do crazy things. Well, not crazy literally.. but things I've always wanted to do couple of years back. I look around and see people with a great life ahead of them. And here I am wondering where I'll be after this. There is a truth in it- this place isn't mine; but until I find another place to move on.....

Honestly I don't know exactly what is it that's keeping me here. Maybe I don't like changes- but at this point; I need a change. Well, a good change to be exact. Going in to work everyday preparing to be attacked is not for me. Yes, contrary to popular belief; I'm a peaceful person deep down inside. It's like... waking up in the morning; putting up your armour before stepping into the office; looking right & left to see if there are any potential bullets coming your direction.
By the time it's after work & the armour is safe to be taken off; you're so tired you don't want to do anything else but sleep.

Given 3 years of such a life... can I?

Realistically.. who wants to sponsor me to further my studies? =) Yeah, that's plan A.. the latter of course.. Maybe a year bck in school could give me a better idea what I want to do with life..

Unhealthy Mentality

I had my dose of one of the many idiosyncracies of Malaysian mentality, sad to say.
I woke up yesterday as usual, feeling absolutely dreadful to part with my bed. So I dragged myself to work. As I was making my way to the office, I heard the familiar sound of an ambulance. But at that time, it was wailing ferociously, like those absolutely loud and shrieky 'ee-o ee-o' that gives u the shrill?

And you know what? That poor ambulance driver had a tough time trying to get through the traffic light cross junction because cars on the road seemed to not hear that poor soul in the ambulance's plight! So, poor ambulance ended up waiting at the traffic light, honking his way hoping that he would be let through. And what did I see? Cars flashing past, speeding away; and the ambulance, crawling its way through.
I seriously hoped that the patient in the ambulance is oblivious to what was happening.

Seriously, that was really a shameful encounter. There are things that make me proud to be a Malaysian; and there are also things that sometimes make me embarassed to be part of the 'Malaysian culture' and this is one of it. Is it so difficult to stop your car, or move aside and let the ambulance through (be it there's really a patient in there or not)..? You won't lose anything by stopping, but by not stopping, somebody is an inch closer to dying.. ever thought of it that way?

The year that I was away, I missed a lot of things about Malaysia- the food, the people, family & friends.... and when I think about Malaysia, it's just the good things, mostly. Now that I'm back... I get pretty irked up watching these things happening around me. It sort of tarnishes the image I paint of Malaysia when in someone else's country. Failing to learn the art of lining up, not getting the idea of getting out of the way when you see people coming your way, driving on emergency lanes, polluting the rivers, making use of that huge monsoon drain outside the hospital as a rubbish dump....

SERIOUSLY, gasp... sometimes I wonder how can we be called civilised. 1st class facility, 3rd world mentality.
Wake up.... yesterday morning gave me a slap on my face. Woke up I did.