ScRiBbLeS

Grabbing Thin Air

2010-06-22T13:39:00.004+01:00

What a fallen character we (humans) are.. myself included.

I realised how much I miss home last week when I realised I haven't been home for mum's birthday and Father's Day for a long time. Not something to be proud of. Not quite of a New Year's resolution accomplished!

My thoughts further to think about how we only begin to treasure things/people we've lost. That's when it hurts because you try to fight off regret as well.. And that's when all the 'what if' questions start lingering in your mind.

I'm not spared from falling into that 'trap' either. Makes it trickier when it's there and not there at the same time..

Like chasing after something that's there, to realise it isn't actually there.

Like Grabbing Thin Air..

Finding the STOP button

2009-12-20T12:04:00.002Z

Yes, that huge round Red button you see in movies? Where all you have to do is push that button hard and everything would stop, and the world would be saved?

Wonder if such buttons exist in our lives. Of course by stopping, it doesn't mean we die...
A button.. imaginary of some sort. Hit that button, and all the noise around you would immediately stop. And your world would be a better place to wake up to. I had this old T-Shirt which says 'Patience- the ability to listen to your ownself amidst the noise of the world'...

I've had enough of 'demotivation', power struggle, finger pointing, petty arguments blown out of proportion, dominating ppl trying to be influential, bitterness; silent & loud revenges; mess, and more and more mess.. to last me the next few years. Translate that to $$, I'd hv a big fat bank account!

My point is, how do I find this button? Retracting from it is apparently being 'inconsiderate/ uncontributing'.. Voicing an opinion means 'u don't know what you're talking about', trying to fix things the professional way is 'wasting your effort'; not taking sides is being 'unsupportive'.... and the list goes on....
Translate this to one word --> noise. A lot of noise.

I don't think well in a 'noisy environment'.....
Please, help me O Lord; to listen to You especially in the circumstances of the noise of the world. Teach me to be patient and grant me the wisdom to be careful of the words I utter; and most of all, grant me the ability to sustain through all these through your strength.....

2009-12-19T15:37:00.002Z

Confusion.
I'm in this state of confusion. The interpretating mechanism in me must have broken down of late as I find myself easily and constantly confused with things that happen. Or is my mind playing tricks with me?

Confusion leads to a lot of thoughts... this leads to even more confusion.
The more I try analysing things, the more confused I get.
I see answers coming, bit by bit, little by little.. tho sometimes it's not the kind of answers I'm hoping for.

Being me, whenever I am given an 'answer' that's not favourable to my heart, I run. It's a natural instinct. Some sort of self-defense. Strangely, I find myself at this crossroad- and I think I know which road I will be taking.. it seems far fetched, but amazingly optimistic.

The question is, do I really want it. Do I want it as a 'compensation' of what I may not have been given, or Do I really want it...?

Talk about being confused.....

2009-10-24T15:57:00.003+01:00

The past few weeks have been long. I find myself now in an awkward stage of life where thoughts are materialising- for the better & the worse.

Some words, left unspoken will remain buried because sometimes you get only 1 chance at it. I didn't take that chance and I only hope that you will know how much you meant to me all these years of my life. In the most unique ways, you showed me how certain you are of what you want & how you live with what you chose to do. I hope that I will learn some of that....

Some things, left unattended, is as good as sweeping them under the carpet. They will re-surface. I'm reminded of Robert Frost's 'The Road Not Taken'..... & I ponder; if indeed the road not taken is the answer. Who knows what lies ahead.....
One of my worst attributes is being irrationally impatient. And it is this very attribute that throws me to the other end of waiting a lil too long of a time, only to realise my chance has passed.

I know I adapt well, suffer a little bit @ the beginning, and keep on well then on. It's the thought of going through that again which puts me out of my mind. About the same time, last year; I recall being in almost a same situation. So probably the reason why I'm here again this time, this year... is that I have yet to learn what I was due to learn.

Finding calm alone... I think I do live up to 'July babies'... Crabs. Retreat!
So yes, just as well, I look forwarad to more quiet times @ work next week. Even if it's just a few days, I know I'll make sure I make use of those quieter times to think deeper.

Wonders...

2009-09-21T11:53:00.002+01:00

...how did I end up doing what I do today...

And I wonder... is it just me or I'm feeling totally incapable of showing human concern sometimes. No, I'm not inhuman...
But is it also humanly possible to be concerned when you're also so drained you don't know what to say... ?

Things have taken a turn for me. Deb in the past would blow @ the high of her frustrations etc... Deb today, has somehow found the need to be quiet.. and finds solace in it. Strangely, that has been taken for being inconsiderate or very 'cool'..... Even stranger- Deb doesn't really wanna care too...

Is that dangerous? .........

2009-07-06T14:05:00.002+01:00

I look ahead, I see a direction of uncertainty
I look inside, I see uncertainty
I take a step back, I take a deep breath, I feel a slight flicker of assurance; but with an achy feeling of uncertainty still

I walk away, and I look up, I know the answer will unfold in Your time.

2009-07-05T06:56:00.002+01:00

I have this rather.. dangerous flaw- I let my mind wander far far away when I'm not working on something. Figured it was my rightful weekend of lazing for the SOLE reason to recover, I tried and I'm still trying to do nothing (tho I see the clothes in need of de-creasing staring at me..)

Anyway, back to the 'flaw'... what did it do this time?

Somehow I ended up clicking through old pictures and that's when my mind started wandering... Then and now, I still wonder of the 'what if's, only if's, wonder if's.....

Yep, well.. snap snap.. bck to reality! =)

On a Day Like Today...

2009-06-30T03:23:00.002+01:00

I woke up this morning, contemplating whether or not to work today. The better got to me and I decided it'd be wiser to stay home, rather than spreading my bug at this time where the term 'flu' is SO sensitive.
Yep, I'm down with a cold. Nope, it's not the infamous A(H1N1)- already checked & cleared. It's purely bad timing and lacking quality rest.

So, why am I not in bed? Many of us envy our counterparts when they get an MC & we go... 'oh man.... how i wishh....'.... C'mon, admit it... I know you have! We try or hope for ways we would get away with a day from the office just to sleep in etc...

Seems to work otherwise for me. Firstly, I don't rest anyway. Something will come up and I'll end up spending way less quality time with my bed & so called rest. Secondly, it's strange how I woke up this morning, still feeling the hangover effect of the so-called magic pill 'Piriton'; and the first thing that crossed my mind is that I'm going to skip my clinic day today. It's even more strange that I seriously do not like dealing with patients for the reason that I don't like hearing them complain about the bad service the government offers them, that original 'L*****R works and this one doesn't work etc...

But over the 2 months plus, I realised that I enjoy spending time with patients who would listen and are eager to listen to how they can help themselves apart from coming to the hospital clinics for review. Giving them the power to empower themselves, setting targets for them and making sure they hit those targets... gives me satisfaction. Yes, sometimes there will be *heartbreaks* when I get some sort of demoralising remarks like, 'I know u're a pharmacist, how come you give me medicine that's not original ah... '.... or , 'I don't have time for this, i'll be fine if i take my medicines'
Well, to counter that, my reply would be, 'originals are not the only options, generics have its bioequivalence studies, COMPARABLE to original, and they save more money so that more people can be given good drugs as well, not just for rich people who DEMAND for good drugs in the hospital because it's FREE'...... and something like , 'studies have proven that there are other things apart from drugs that are VITAL for you, and if you don't believe me, look up in the internet & ask around, when u're insterested, come back and see me.'

Anyway, I've always asked for an opportunity to bless others with my own working hands, and I suppose this is it. The starting was rough, having to build the rapport first with new staff & sometimes nosy and unbelieving people who would say things like ,'you guys have a lot of free time to be doing this huh..'..... Sometimes clinics give me the dread, but I thank God that on such days, He would bring in one or two patients that would be grateful for the extra bit of education/information to give them more confidence that their health is not dependent on the hospital but also hugely dependent on themselves. When they have that empowerment, it's amazing how they open up to you to reveal all sorts of information they wouldn't dare to tell their docs.. and that's where I get down to business. Setting up care plans for them, targets, 'homework' for them... all these give them a sense of power and control over themselves.

Of course, the society we live in are getting more educated by the day. Sometimes the more educated we are, the more resistant to changes we are. The challenge really lies in this category of people. Although, they're not really my primary concern. My concern lies in those who have no access to information of such, and who live in ignorance because they feel their lives are less important.

A friend of mine shared some thoughts about work, here in this land below the wind. It's encouraging to see that such passion lies in this generation of people working in the government setting, especially knowing that there are many who care and are willing to go the extra mile to make a difference, slowly scrapping off the mentality of government staff.

So, I suppose, regardless of how remote the area we are at, regardless of how unsupportive the environment we live in; persevere on & be sure to know that you will see the purpose soon enough.

Now, it's time to see the doc.

Seriously speaking...

2009-06-07T13:19:00.002+01:00

How do you rid the feeling of unbelonging? Does that mean that your time at that place is over?
When I first got here, I immediately fell in love with this place. Day in, day out... it's almost 2 years now. I still love this place, but I'm starting to feel trapped. It's strange how I feel like I have no room maximising my potential & living life to the fullest.

I want to do crazy things. Well, not crazy literally.. but things I've always wanted to do couple of years back. I look around and see people with a great life ahead of them. And here I am wondering where I'll be after this. There is a truth in it- this place isn't mine; but until I find another place to move on.....

Honestly I don't know exactly what is it that's keeping me here. Maybe I don't like changes- but at this point; I need a change. Well, a good change to be exact. Going in to work everyday preparing to be attacked is not for me. Yes, contrary to popular belief; I'm a peaceful person deep down inside. It's like... waking up in the morning; putting up your armour before stepping into the office; looking right & left to see if there are any potential bullets coming your direction.
By the time it's after work & the armour is safe to be taken off; you're so tired you don't want to do anything else but sleep.

Given 3 years of such a life... can I?

Realistically.. who wants to sponsor me to further my studies? =) Yeah, that's plan A.. the latter of course.. Maybe a year bck in school could give me a better idea what I want to do with life..

Unhealthy Mentality

2009-05-27T14:21:00.002+01:00

I had my dose of one of the many idiosyncracies of Malaysian mentality, sad to say.
I woke up yesterday as usual, feeling absolutely dreadful to part with my bed. So I dragged myself to work. As I was making my way to the office, I heard the familiar sound of an ambulance. But at that time, it was wailing ferociously, like those absolutely loud and shrieky 'ee-o ee-o' that gives u the shrill?

And you know what? That poor ambulance driver had a tough time trying to get through the traffic light cross junction because cars on the road seemed to not hear that poor soul in the ambulance's plight! So, poor ambulance ended up waiting at the traffic light, honking his way hoping that he would be let through. And what did I see? Cars flashing past, speeding away; and the ambulance, crawling its way through.
I seriously hoped that the patient in the ambulance is oblivious to what was happening.

Seriously, that was really a shameful encounter. There are things that make me proud to be a Malaysian; and there are also things that sometimes make me embarassed to be part of the 'Malaysian culture' and this is one of it. Is it so difficult to stop your car, or move aside and let the ambulance through (be it there's really a patient in there or not)..? You won't lose anything by stopping, but by not stopping, somebody is an inch closer to dying.. ever thought of it that way?

The year that I was away, I missed a lot of things about Malaysia- the food, the people, family & friends.... and when I think about Malaysia, it's just the good things, mostly. Now that I'm back... I get pretty irked up watching these things happening around me. It sort of tarnishes the image I paint of Malaysia when in someone else's country. Failing to learn the art of lining up, not getting the idea of getting out of the way when you see people coming your way, driving on emergency lanes, polluting the rivers, making use of that huge monsoon drain outside the hospital as a rubbish dump....

SERIOUSLY, gasp... sometimes I wonder how can we be called civilised. 1st class facility, 3rd world mentality.
Wake up.... yesterday morning gave me a slap on my face. Woke up I did.

2009-05-17T11:58:00.002+01:00

Some truths stand in front of us, but most of the time we don't see it because we don't want to. We choose not to see it because we won't let ourself have that slightest chance to be sad or upset.
We choose not to see it because we want to keep looking for other possible truths around us.

But there will come a time when we have to see the truth and accept it. When that time comes, we are often caught off guard. But reality will be reality- it usually bites. And how we take it as it comes our way reflects how much we understand ourselves.

I realised that over the years, how I view certain issues have changed. How I handle or react has also changed. Given a few years back, I would rather go on not knowing or letting things be. At the expense of feeling broken & tears.
Years down the road, I surprise myself by doing things differently. I've had my doubts but somehow deep down I can't go on this way anymore. Could it be that as we grow older, we want things to be a clear blue sky rather than a patch of grey clouds? Or maybe we want things to be either black or white; not hanging in the grey area..
Does it hurt less? Not really... but maybe this time it's also a closure. It also brings a certain degree of peace in spite of feeling the cut. I want closure but yet I wished that things could have been different.
Maybe certain things are not for us to decide. Him who we look up to would know what's best for us. And for a large portion of time; it usually isn't what we want it to be. And sometimes it isn't for us to understand.

I learned this time around, that we women of this generation should learn from our mother's generation. A generation which would take whatever that comes their way and swallow bitter pills over n over again. They were brought up that way probably- the conventional role of a woman. It makes them tough and weak at the same time. Tough because they are versatile in accepting many things like infidelity etc; weak because they are not strong enough to stand up for themselves and have their say.
We see that cycle breaking this generation. And it could be good AND bad as well. Good because it makes us independent women of this century, surviving and living life. Bad because it makes us fight for too much sometimes. Good or bad, it's how we balance it in our lives.

I want a happier ending next time around. Something that would remind me of what it took to get to this ending; and treasure it all I can....

2009-05-12T14:22:00.002+01:00

Not knowing what it means, not knowing where it leads to, not knowing how to be......
I don't know a lot of things.... but for what that I think I know.... it hurts......

Square One?

2009-05-08T16:23:00.002+01:00

Friday night.
Nice lil girly night... =) but as every night comes, I'm once again in my room, my new room actually =) the way I like it.
Thought of doing some reading (how boring) since the weekend is already filled, not to mention having to attend some workshop in the hospital on SUNDAY (yes, I'm still protesting deep inside).... Can't seem to concentrate though... Have so much to catch up & update.........

I'm still a bit bothered. Confused and bothered more like it. Honestly I don't know what is it that I want. I'm feeling sad, so that says something, right? I try not to let such things bother me especially at work. And it's not really so big I can't handle but today I felt pretty sad the whole day through. Yep, as it has always been; work kept my mind busy but that occasional thought of it bothers me and yep... sleepless in KK... what else am I to do?

I.. don't know what I want. That's all I am sure of. I know something is wrong but I don't know what. I want it solved but again, I fear the outcome and I don't know what my reaction will be because I don't know what I want. In some ways, I feel like I've been brought on a merry-go-round. After awhile it gets monotonous and mundane and it seems like I'm still riding it for the sake of it. But to get off the ride seems hard. The thing is, I don't know if I want to get off the ride. I don't know if I want to be on the ride. What's worse? I don't know if the ride itself can/wants to go on- so that also brings me to the question, am I even supposed to be on the ride?

??...... Any less complicated rides out there? ......

In the rut or not..

2009-05-04T15:23:00.002+01:00

Why is it that things can be so difficult to accept when the reality is right in front of us? Denial? Stubborness? Lack of trust?

Again and again I keep facing the same glitch. But each time it gets more difficult to take in. I thought it gets easier with time but apparently now. Probably I don't learn, hence it gets more and more difficult. It also hurts more each time in the process of accepting things and moving on. It feels like I'm sitting at the back watching, and accepting the reality of it even if it hurts. Even if it hurts so much my heart literally aches.

I turn to Him in whom I lay it all down. Knowing that He hears me and although things don't happen the way I want it to, He hears me and knows me; more than I know myself. In that, I take comfort, in Him I seek refuge........ Every way, He will not fail me.. and so I shall learn not to fail Him........

Random Rambling

2009-04-20T16:32:00.002+01:00

I am... sitting on the bed in my twin shared hotel room. V is asleep, she must be really tired.
Why am I sitting on the bed with my laptop blogging? Because... I have so many things to say yet I just can't put it into words and sequence.

And why is that?
Mental block. Thinking of a topic to spontaneously crap on for 7 minutes in our 'pre-claimed/implemented' mother tongue.... Shall I spark a fire touching sensitive issues? Better not since I'm quite the minority in the team I've been put in.

I was just thinking of a certain situation which caught my attention couple of days ago. Anyway, the point is...
If you were given 4 currency denominations and to put a value on to 4 boxes symbolising your Race, Country, Religion and Yourself/Family, how would you value it?

A bit heavy of a topic, isn't it? So I thought too, seems silly to do such a thing. But if we really put a value to it or if we are really forced into making that decision...... what would we do?

What would you do?

Yes, this means I need sleep.

High Expectations & Gratefulness

2009-03-23T10:16:00.002Z

Series of events over the past 3 weeks sorta turned me into a dark cloud roaming, literally. Well, I obviously can't float; so to be accurate, I've been walking around with a dark cloud on my head.
After a 'wake-up call', changes have been implemented and today; after a long time... I actually walked about with a smile on my face for and hour or 2 in the office. It's so silly but to see beautiful numbers on the computer screen in comparison to those horrific digits previously somehow made me smile....
Although I know it's not even enough to show an improvement; I'm glad that things are finally starting to fall into place. Even if it happens slowly, at least today... I come home with less things running in my mind. And for once in a long time, my work diary isn't full of scribbles of tasks to be done..... at last.... I can lie in bed and close my eyes without 'seeing' the office.....

*Pls don't let this be shortlived!!!*

Directions & Sorts

2009-03-11T14:43:00.002Z

Looking through my blog, I realised it gets more depressing with time. I hope that's not the kind of impression I've been radiating of late!
But anyway, more grumblings.. maybe I should switch this blog to 'Grumbles' rather than 'Scribbles'.. But that'd be pretty morbid.......
I had a great plan, and had mapped out almost so well on my side ( I'm talking bout work...) ... but at quite the last moments, I find my plan killed, or rather partially killed. Maybe I aimed too high and overestimated my skills. To me, having the same direction would suffice to get this plan up and running. Again, I learnt that ppl can have the same direction but run different paths. Or rather, paralel but 2 different paths altogether. That sort of clashes, doesn't it?

Am I upset? Yes. Am I disappointed? Yes. In fact, I'm upset & disappointed with a number of things. And this setback (or blessing in disguise) just upped my level a notch nearer to threshold. Near enough to threshold, and another one might push it over that line.
Sometimes it feels very difficult chanelling all the frustrations because it seems like none around me would really see it the way I hope they would. Which is normal, they're not me and neither am I them. It's at this time that I must and very much must cling on to surrendering my needs to Him. Easier said than done, but it has to be done anyhow. Even in the midst of a crisis, when quick decisions are to be made, I struggle to look up for a direction or an answer. So, I revert to my instincts and experience- which CAN be wrong. It's truly a habit to cultivate - looking up, seeking who we really should before making any small but life-changing decisions like deciding whether I should give the person in front of me a piece of my mind, or gently explaining and repeatedly apologising for something I shouldn't be apologising for........ choosing between making a stand or giving in to calm the waters......

My brain says I'm sleepy... I think I need wise words,anyone? Bet you didn't quite get the point of this either.....

Serendipity, or not..

2009-02-23T10:40:00.002Z

Ever watched that JohnCusack/KateB flick 'Serendipity'? Yup, that was aagesss ago... but watching it again recently brought another meaning to me.
Years ago, it'd be, 'awwwww..... that's so sweet...'
Years later, it got me thinking (comes with the age too, I guess)..
Going to all lengths to prove that yes, they are 'fated' for one another - searching every bookstore for that one book, turning every 5 dollar note that comes your way to see if it is THE 5 dollar note.. so much it becomes a habit years down the road. And yet, you don't find what you're looking for. Consciously looking for a serendipitous act isn't quite serendipitous, isn't it?
It says that serendipity is the effect of finding something fortunate ACCIDENTALLY while looking for something else altogether.
So serendipity doesn't quite equals fate? or not...
So when you serendipitously meet, n then fatefully part... that gives you..? The urge to tempt fate, I'd say.
And what happens when you are at the losing end? When you don't find that ONE book, or that ONE 5 dollar note?
You start to think... Maybe the absence of a sign, IS a sign....... and maybe not. Maybe, just maybe if you start thinking that, it means that you know you can't force 'fate', right? Then maybe, it starts falling into place - you'd find things the way you want it to be... and you wonder... why did I spend all those time chasing around, running around circles?

And the conclusion?
It's just a movie, I think too much. But thought provoking, isn't it?

2009-01-15T12:42:00.002Z

It always gives me mixed feelings despite myself knowing (maybe not for sure) that it no longer affects me. Yet, when you come along every now and then... it puts a smile on my face for a little while, and that's when the not so far away past plays in my mind. It's as though I am hearing it 'live' right before me.
Then I open my eyes, to see that it's all a memory.
That's when I'd take a deep breath, and smile again; knowing that life has gone on. I'm well, and I hope the same for you...

Singing the blues

2009-01-12T11:48:00.002Z

Monday came...
Lately, I find myself convincing myself to be more optimistic towards Mondays. Well, it's the best way to go since there'll be many many more Mondays to come in my entire working life.

Today, I went in to work with a tugging feeling etched within. Not quite a fear that something will happen, but more a worry- a worry of what to anticipate.
So, Monday came, and Monday went...
What and where did it leave me?

I left work feeling rather lost. Like walking around with a dark heavy cloud above my head I might as well carried an umbrella along with me. Things around me suddenly felt different and alien, like I don't quite belong there. I see everyone occupied and so am I... but when I finish what I was doing, I find myself looking around as though I was lost. How can I explain that feeling?

Yet to figure out what happened today, but at least I have 4 days more before the weekend...
'Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough worries of its own..... '

WANTED!

2009-01-11T06:24:00.004Z

Where art thou?

From the Giants to the CKSs to the LTSs to the TongHings..... where have you been and WHY are you hiding from me?

This Christmas...

2008-12-12T15:12:00.004Z

Yes, Christmas is here! I've had interesting Christmases over the last 2 years.... and it both made a big impact in my life ever since. It will be the 2 that I'll remember always.
This X'mas, or rather nearing it; has got me reflecting a little.
Ever since starting my new position at work, I find myself constantly at the tip of falling the other direction. For example, I find myself very often exposed to the choice of being calm or losing my temper. Or I find myself choosing between being patient or otherwise. Sometimes I falter, sometimes I make it through. Sometimes I feel like crap, sometimes I find the kind of satisfaction I seeked. And I know what gives me satisfaction - appreciation and acknowledgement. And these are the 2 things that make me a weak & insecure person, in some ways. My point is, I am constantly at that point of either working to glorify Him or for 'earthly' purposes.
I am not proud to say that many a times, I have gone the latter. If there's one thing I want most this X'mas is to find that purpose again.... And that would make a complete cycle I suppose. =)

On a lighter note, I'm anticipating for my wee holiday! Meeting up with friends and just plain NO WORK n JUST PLAY! Can't remember the last time.... =)
With reunions around the corner, it was so ironic that my ipod was playing this piece from St. Elmo's Fire (yes, it's such an ollllddddd show and half of you outside probably never saw it). But St Elmo's Fire has always reminded me of my life as a student, and then leaving my life as a student, and parting ways with those that I've share all the tears and laughter with... and with that said, it only leaves in our hearts that silent conviction that we'll always remember how we got each other through those years... even if sometimes we let one another down, we'd smile when we recall the moments shared......

2008-12-08T12:59:00.002Z

I awaited the long weekend with anticipation of an exciting and fun weekend. I couldn't wait for Sunday to come because I haven't been in church for what seems ages! Now that my travelling and absence season has temporarily passed, I was looking forward to a real nice weekend.

It turned out the other way round. Quietly, I wished the weekend never happened. I wished none of it happened, well.. minus Sunday service.

Some things which happen and some words which are spoken cannot be taken back. I hope that everyone learns that lesson the easy way, not at the cost of losing and severing ties. As a little girl, I knew what being upset with someone you look up and love feels... but I only understood that it's the words spoken by them which can scar you a lifetime. I've come to learn to put those behind me after all these years.

I wasn't the one at the front line of such an event this time around, but looking at it just brings back a lot of memories, memories I don't quite want to remember. It took me so many years to really put it down, what more now when we're all adults and we've a mind of our own? I quote Rob Lowe from his TV series, 'we're adults, get a filter!'
So so true.... when will we ever learn........

I'm trying to be optimistic towards the coming week. Perhaps, I need to find something to look forward to..... Right now, I'm just going to live the night alone and hopefully tmrw when I wake up, I'll be a happier person..

Of Horses and Other Species

2008-11-25T14:30:00.002Z

There's something about the horse culture which renders me lost for words sometimes.
Those not coined into the horse culture are the hardworking ones, and efficient ones.. in general. Those in the horse culture naturally feels threatenede by the non-horse community. And what do you get in the end? We see the horse culture which somehow is larger in terms of quantity; doing the very best to bring down non-horse 'believers'. What we have in the end are these people doing the very best attempting to bring themselves up and highlighting themselves, making others feel shrink into ants just to make their ownselves feel & look good.

Can you grasp such a mentality? Honestly, I get very irritated by such attitude. With no respect for their equal counterparts, should we, the 'ants' give them the respect they demand for? Give me a reason why should we, who have our conscience clear, bow to the demands of one who rules with an iron fist? Last time I checked, we're still a democratic country. We are entitled to be treated as equals and not stratified to separate the 'masters' and 'slaves'...

Come on, give me a break. I seriously could not believe such things can happen these days among professionals. So much so for being ethical and professional. The last time I looked it up, ethics did not encompass belittling others and threatening others with one's power. Extortion? Emotional harassment? Verbal harassment? Seriously, think of all the things that one can be sued for being like that. Can you still take pride in it? The horse culture of rejoicing when they are 'feared of' when in reality, they are disliked hence just left to do whatever it is they want. 'Got meaning ah?'

Beats me..... I've had my share of falling into the demotivating/demoralising plot for the last few days. I hope I recover from it soon enough....

2008-11-16T15:34:00.003Z

As the lights dimmed in the flight, so randomly I was transported back to 2 years back.
I remember taking the night flight to London, and the excitement I felt going to a whole new place. Never dreaming I'd actually step foot there, what more for a whole year...
And that was the beginning of that one year I'll never forget.
Hmm.. I clearly remember the people around me were asleep on the flight- except for me and a handful of others. Watching King Kong 3 times, hijacking the stewardess' seat at the back for more leg space....
That feeling of anticipation and optimism. Today I remembered it so clearly. Maybe I never forgot about it, but rather I never thought about it much these days.
Then I thought of that day I flew back here. While the flight there seemed so long, the flight back seemd so quick. That reluctance to leave, as though I left something behind. Tho till today, it still feels like I indeed left something behind.

Have I snapped out of it, maybe. But definitely not today. Today's flight brought a lot of memories back to life. So, looking back at pictures, it seemed so near... but yet so far.........

2008-10-24T11:42:00.001+01:00

Where are you? ......

2008-10-19T15:47:00.003+01:00

I realised a habit of mine- driving when in thought. Logically speaking, it is what we call dangerous driving.
But it becomes rather therapeutic once you get the hang of it.
Anyway, speaking of that.. I also have this habit of turning on my ipod whenever I'm in the car. And today, I find myself suddenly transported back to some moons ago when this particular piece of music made its mark in me.
Hmm.. brings back memories, though I'm not too sure if it's good or bad......
And now I wonder.... what will tomorrow be...

2008-10-18T15:21:00.002+01:00

Being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see...

When V mentioned this, in my sleepiness then it woke me. Probably because, of late, I have been sidetracked.
As I reflect, I find myself in a danger zone- the danger of conforming to the ways of society. Being put at a place which brings out my weakness esp my temper, I find myself swerving the other direction. How have I gone that direction.....

The week passed yet again. Have things improved? I don't know really. Some days it feels like it's getting better, some days it feels like it's heading the other direction.
It seems like I've lost myself in this past week. Feeling sidelined and sidetracked does shake my ground a little.

I used to have this t-shirt, which says 'Patience- is the ability to hear your own voice above the noises of the world'....... As of now, I hear nothing but noise. Maybe this explains why I constantly feel like I'm lacking sleep.... hence sleeping more than usual...

Yes, D... be sure of what you hope for, and be certain of what you don't see just yet......

2008-10-13T15:49:00.001+01:00

I had, and I have a lot of things flashing through my mind for the last few hours. But I do think it's time for bed.....
Hopefully, tmrw will be a day of renewed strength.

2008-10-11T16:13:00.002+01:00

Ever wondered how long would a fish out of water survive?
Anyway...
I've been rather whiny over the week. To an extent I wonder why do I doubt myself so much. Are things that difficult that it is unsolvable? Definitely untrue. Yet, I feel like it is impossible. Though, after my bouts of feeling down in the ruts and not so useful; I keep telling and reminding myself that nothing is impossible in Him. But it doesn't really keep that feeling away. Probably because I have yet learnt to convict that to heart.
It sounds harsh but even if I detest it, the day will come that I will have to accept it and make it into something I can be proud of. That I know, I can't do on my own. Neither will it be my sole effort.
When in doubt, look UP. Can't go wrong, I've been told.

2008-10-06T15:21:00.002+01:00

What happens when passion is taken out of someone? We are all made individually, each unique in its own special way; hence each meant to walk a unique life.
Just as we are well distinguished from one another, so it is with our passion. I guess it does depend on how much of a role does it play in our lives; i.e to what extent does it drive our life. What ticks for you? What makes you flip? What makes you move?
Passion is described among others as an intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction for an object, subject or concept. Sometimes, we don't know what or where our passion lies. But unbeknownst to us, we are gradually drawn to it and before we know it, we have found what our passion is. And it makes us feel good. It drives us. It motivates us. It makes our day seem more worthwhile. It brings satisfaction.

What do you do when that itself is taken away from you? or seemingly, What do you when you thought you had it but you never did and now it's not yours?

I want to run, I want to hide. Yes, I know things are as it is for a reason. Yes, I know I've lost something but I have much to gain as well. Yes, I know I have a duty not only to people, but to myself and the utmost highest. Yes, I know I am not counting my blessings. Yes, I know I am not seeing the big picture. Yes, I know I am letting my fear conquer my thoughts. Yes, I know I am running away. Yes.. Yes... Yes.. I know I know I know.......
I.....
Know.......

2008-10-04T03:29:00.003+01:00

Hmm, will I be wrong to say that I was never the kind of person to understand things from other perspectives? I may see it, but I don't understand it... and to some extent I can't accept it.
Yes, this is exactly my issue (or not). What is with the damsel in distress perception? Do we distress ourselves because we need that little bit of extra attention? I don't get that.
I just see it as if you're not happy about it, do something about it rather than sitting down there waiting for things to change. Is that harsh? Maybe things have not been ideal or almost ideal for me but I guess it is the same for many others as well. By hoping that things will change without doing anything about it, well.. it ain't going to happen. It may sound crude but that's how I understand it. Maybe that is also why I don't 'respond' well to circumstances as such which some may see as a plight. We all need to learn and grow at whatever age we're at... so... learn, and grow; regardless of the circumstance we are put in.

Rat in A Rat Race, Rat in a Dog Eat Dog World

2008-09-24T10:25:00.002+01:00

Yes, right now I feel like I am about to hit the wall. I am getting exhausted from the rat race and behind closed doors politics.
Why must everything be about who has better survivor skills, and the 'slimy-er' ones? Is being their so called righteous such a disadvantage? I've kept my silence, and kept my distance... but I feel like the more I do so, the more I get confronted... I'm already not doing anything so leave me alone!
This is not a good start. Full stop

Of Gloomy Days & Me..

2008-09-22T14:43:00.002+01:00

It's really early to be headed to dreamland. But I'm somehow lethargic from the day that has been. And I don't feel like sleeping just yet before sorting out my thoughts.
I remember something C highlighted- men are like waffles, women like spaghetti.
I used to wonder if my mind was made up of that of 'waffles' as I was growing up.... but as I grew; I'm definitely a plate of 'spaghetti'...

Maybe I have been rather... idle (by my definition) for some time. Maybe I need REAL work to get me out of this rather distressing state. I am beginning to dislike (very much) not having a proper job.... but then again; I'm also worried at the same time what my job will be for the next 3 years. What if I'm not good at it? What if I have too big of shoes to fill? I mean... it's like having my size 9 feet fit into a size... 12? My point is, as much as I don't like working without a direction, the next step does look rather scary as well.

I may be at the same place, but things definitely will be different. Faces will change as people leave.... expectations are higher and I hope they won't regret retaining me...........

Aside from that, I come home everyday to find myself feeling like a loner; waiting for this time of the night so that I can crawl under my sheets and curl up...... (no, I don't think I was a cat before this lifetime)..... Generally feeling gloomy like the weather, and speechless, and lost for words...

The Nothing-to-do-hence-too-much-to-think syndrome??

BTW..... have u ever thought? What spaghetti would you rather be?... and why??? Food for thought literally... haha....

When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Goes.......

2008-09-08T11:01:00.002+01:00

.....shopping!
Yup.. But at the end of the day; I still come home facing those thoughts I've successfully pushed aside for a day. And I crawl under my blankie; and fall asleep with the same thoughts; I wake up with the same thoughts.
Then I work... Work is good. At times as such, I am glad that I am busy. But when I get back; I think of the same things.... Though I'd comfort myself and let my mind wander to a more positive outlook; just to be brought back to earth making sure I don't lie t myself.. and just in case I start getting delusional.
Strangely, it makes me work harder. Probably because I don't know when and if it will end; but somehow, it makes me appreciate work. Because when there's no work; my mind starts wandering........
Too bad Tesco Extra hasn't gotten here yet........ otherwise I'd have somewhere else to go later at night =)

Patch & I

2008-08-30T03:57:00.002+01:00

I am reminded of an issue of mine that A & M once pointed to me..... Ever had a cat as a pet? One of those that stayed with you a long time? If you had, you'd probably notice that they have some sort of extra sense of the supernatural.

Sounds creepy? Not....

I remember clearly of one of my many many cats, Patches. Patches had a brother, Dusty. The both of them lived with us for 10 & 12 years. Over the years, Patches grew close to my brother and I, while Dusty was close to my parents. Anyway, back to Patch, she was the sort of cat that loved her freedom; but would still come back at the end of the day and curl next to you in bed. And she knew how hard I found it to wake up in the morning to go to school, so she'd meow into my ears at the sound of my alarm... and she'd be seated on my table 8pm sharp when I study, accompanying me through the night. That's why I loved her so much...
Then Patches fell sick and started losing a lot of weight, after awhile it became too painful for her to eat anything. When the Vet doc said she doesn't have long to live, I was really sad..... and having finished SPM, I spent more time at home looking after her. She went missing for a week and I thought she was gone.. but she came back after that, and I put her into a cage so that she wouldn't run around sick. I'd let her free in my room at night and she'd still come up to my bed and sleep next to me. I used to worry that I'd wake up in the morning and she was gone.

But cats being cats, as many have told me... they wouldn't want their masters watching them die. Patches was of no exception from that myth. One day, I had to go back to school to settle some documentation. It took the whole morning and half of my afternoon. Going back soon after that to feed Patch her meds, I only arrived home to see that she had gone.... So I took her cage down and put it infront of her brother. He sat and watched. I guess she waited for me to be out long enough to go....

No, I'm not dying.... I just feel like Patch... minus being sick and dying......

2008-08-24T07:13:00.003+01:00

I feel, like my grace period is coming to an end. Hence, there comes a need to practice what being in Girl Guides' emphasised... be prepared. Sounds harsh and amplified, but sometimes that's how I need to remind myself.
Even when the smile has turned upside down, I must turn it back up again. Used to work, this time around I only feel like crawling into bed.....
DebbieYong, you must not keep on like this... Stand!

Of Dots and More Dots...

2008-08-23T16:37:00.002+01:00

It's been some time since I felt that need to hide away, from light. I used to have this habit of turning off the lights and be alone for hours until I can see the light again, so to speak. I think back on the last time this happened to me. It must've been almost 2 yrs now... I'm being that person I was 2 yrs back. It's funny how some parts of us don't change. I used to think that as we grow, we respond differently as well. How does it work? It brings peace and comfort. And by the time I feel ready to take on the world outside, it's daylight and I've slept through the day.
Taking the backstage and remaining silent and invisible.... actually brings comfort to a certain extent. Maybe that's how that hiding away theory works. It's a part of me which I never quite understood. Well, it hasn't happen often enough for me to understand it. But I suppose it happens when I surpass that stage of even trying to hide it. (even that I'm not good at)
Up to today, A has been the only person to probably understand why I stay in the dark, under the sheets. Hey wait, probably I am responding differently.... I'm rambling on my blog!
Seriously, I sound like an emotionally deranged person. Maybe the next time I feel this way I should head straight for the bed.
But anyway, I've been thinking a lot about the last couple of years. And I was just counting how long has it been since I last saw M. It's been 3 yrs the very least! We used to meet every 6 months by hook or by crook... Whatever happened...... We both have our own lives now and sometimes it is difficult to relate to one another about our present life, but that familiar comforting voice and conversation gives additional assurance that not everything has changed.
Maybe it is time to go home..... Haven't seen Mum n Dad since CNY.... Haven't squabbled with Eug for the sake of squabbling.... Haven't seen Scratch the handsome cat.... Haven't seen the girls for a long longgg time..... The downfall of being in Sabah-it's a plane away, not a drive away...

The Childish Malaysian

2008-08-16T12:02:00.004+01:00

Surprisingly, when I tried googling 'malaysianism', nothing significant came up. Hmm..

So, what defines a Malaysian? No, this is not a post dedicated to National Day- hardly, yet.

Are we Malaysian if we think the way Malaysians do? And what way is that? Are we Malaysian if we are receptive towards other races, cultures and religion? Are we Malaysian if we live harmoniously with one another? And the list goes on...

These are things that many of us learnt in school- all those terms such as 'masyarakat pelbagai bangsa, agama dan budaya', 'hidup bermuafakat'.... etc etc.....

Economically, we are a developing 3rd world country- and with developments of free trade zones etc...... okay, will not try to be smart in this area, but you get my point.

But in reality, we know that quite nothing's as ideal as that. We have our differences WHICH defines our multi-racial, multi-culture status, correct?

I was born here in this country, and out of 24 yrs of roaming the planet, all my years have been spent in this country, except for one particular year away. Just ONE year- yet I find it increasingly hard to blend into the culture and sharing my thoughts.

I find that so many things are done differently, to the extent that I wonder if I have been in another planet previously.

What sparked this feeling? Well, after being taken aback by a statement made, 'kenapa nak ikut maklumat berdasarkan mat salleh'.... it made me think. Yeah, why ah? Actually it was over an issue where 2 of my colleagues & I were having difficulty finding data to support our findings in a study. What was found were Western data, and when I heard that, it kind of shook me to see things in a different light. Before this, I cared naught what people would say, but that moment, it made me wonder, 'so different meh?', 'why so harsh?'......
Yes, arguably and acceptably; Asian physiology differs from that of the Westerns.. but something in that tone stunned me. It sounded so biased towards the Western countries. I'm not trying to be -'guai mui' or anything, but neither am I ruling out Malaysian research. But if one even refuses to LOOK at it, aren't you being a little unreasonable? It does give me every reason to doubt its credibility because when I goggled that out, the ONLY significant result was a website entitled '*****'........... rather than 'A study of....... in...... in....' First things first- doesn't even sound professional! It's like me posting up my research and entitling it 'deb'.... what impression does that put across?? Secondly, taking that step to open it, in hope it's what I've been told to look for, all I get is a CV of the author- ......... ???!!!!

I'm going to get shot for saying this but... with this kind of attitude towards work, do we expect people to recognise us worldwide? We've got big dreams and big ideas.... but half the time, we sit there and wait for a miracle to happen... or we don't persevere on long enough to FINISH it. Is this Malaysian mentality?? (EY must be saying, 'welcome to malaysia')... but NO, it does not have to be like that! Why do some of us apply what ancient China used to do- Dasar Tutup Pintu?? in the 21st century?? Come on, in a generation where we are still using machines, concepts and drugs that were first line 10-20yrs back; we CANNOT afford to be left behind anymore! Obviously, I'm not saying that we should fork out the money etc, but we'll never progress if our mentality is made up of only what we have and not what OTHERS have to offer! It's like... I'm putting a whole stack of GBP Pounds in front of you to buy what you think is necessary to improve and you tell me that, No, I only accept MYR.... Understand kah?

And to follow; I seriously need patience in dealing with people who tend to be more... dominant than me(yeah yeah, laugh on some of you..)- for I am losing patience! Urgh, how do I put that point across? Bottomline, I stick with the childish side of mine this time around and say, 'I survived Dr.AB for a whole semester, I MUST be right!'

See, I can be childish too =p

People oh people

2008-08-13T11:24:00.003+01:00

A certain conversation took place, not by choice but more of a duty.. This will be between AuntieA & MsV. AuntieA had just jumped queue having missed her turn and insist that MsV attend to her stat

MsV: Good afternoon auntie, can I have your name please?

AuntieA (with a puzzled look): A

MsV: Okay, auntieA, I'm sorry. We tried calling you just now but you didn't turn up.

AuntieA: Where's my medicine?

MsV: You see auntie, there's been a problem. You came too early to collect your medicine.

AuntieA: So you made me wait and now there's nothing for me?

MsV: I'm sorry auntie, but we called for your number and you didn't turn up.

AuntieA: So? You expect me to sit here and wait? Can't you give it to me since I'm already here?

MsV: Again Auntie, I'm sorry. We're running very low on supply so currently we're only supplying to those who've run out. I see from here there you have at least another week's supply?

AuntieA: I'm already here. Can you just give it to me. You can give to others but you can't give to me? I'm here. Give it to me.

MsV: I can't do that auntie. I have to consider others who are out of supply at home. You're early and I'm afraid I can't give you the supply. Do you live in KK?

AuntieA: Yes I do but why can't you just give it to me?

Okay, i think that's enough..... do you get the picture?? Or is it me being stubborn that I'm making sense she's not? Hmm...

Four Seasons in a Day

2008-08-11T15:54:00.003+01:00

We've heard or probably experienced the beauty or agony of having 4 seasons in a day. Imagine waking up to a nice sunny day, dressed in the light clothes and you decide to take the streets. And all of a sudden you see dark clouds coming in and next thing you know, it's snowing! And you don't have a jacket or an umbrella, or you're wearing your favourite pumps instead of your boots... and you're freezinnggg....

Sucks not to have control over things sometimes isn't it? Oh well, didn't take geniuses of this generation to figure that out- Sinatra even came out with his version of 'That's Life' !

I wonder if me.. being me... can hardly stay put a day without complicating matters or FINDING something to complicate it. I still remember something A said to me 2-3 yrs back, that I can never believe that one day would pass with me simply being happy without wondering why. Sounds so saddistic hah? Yeah... kinda does.

I was pretty bored at work today, but things picked up when there was work.... and being driven by work, the day was picking up. But somehow something just sort of made it all go away. So today, I woke up with autumn turning to spring and to summer.... and all of a sudden it skipped to winter... I'm going to bed feeling rather confused. Some things are just not meant to be rationalised by the logical side of our brains....
Now, THAT is life!

When the Going gets Tough. the Tough goes SHOPPING

2008-08-09T12:18:00.002+01:00

Yep, that's absolutely true.
The week passed, thankfully. And after a year, I finally see the pile of work reducing! Though, the last 2 weeks were spent finishing a year's worth of work. My fault for procrastinating. You'd think that after going so many years of school etc, one would've learnt that lesson NOT to procrastinate... guess some of us are REALLY late bloomers.
But anyway, it's been a tense week, and it still is.. Dark clouds seemed to have gone a little, but nevertheless, instead of sitting home searching for a solution..... yours truly went SHOPPING! Yes.... what's a girl to do? esp with all the %%% signs all over..! But of course, one must have self control & I think I remembered that JUST in time....
So here I am, home, probably resorting to tidying up the mess I've created over the week....... and... just be quiet......
(Phone don't ring phone don't ring phone don't ring)

Weigh The Odds

2008-08-04T10:25:00.003+01:00

Paracetamol or acetaminophen is a widely-used analgesic and antipyretic. Derived from coal tar, it is the active metabolite of phenacetin, but unlike phenacetin, paracetamol has not been shown to be carcinogenic in any way. It is well tolerated, lacks many of the side-effects of aspirin, and is available over-the-counter, so it is commonly used for the relief of fever, headaches, and other minor aches and pains. Paracetamol is also useful in the management of more severe pain, . It is also used in combination with opioid analgesics. It is a major ingredient in numerous cold and flu medications. It is considered safe for human use at recommended doses; however, acute overdose can cause potentially fatal liver damage. The risk is heightened by the use of alcohol. The number of accidental self-poisonings and suicides from paracetamol has grown in recent years.
In some animals—for example, cats—small doses are toxic. Because of the wide availability of paracetamol, there is a large potential for overdose and toxicity. Without timely treatment, overdose can lead to liver failure and death within days; paracetamol toxicity is, by far, the most common cause of acute liver failure in both the United States and the United Kingdom. It is sometimes used in suicide attempts by those unaware of the prolonged timecourse and high morbidity (likelihood of significant illness) associated with paracetamol-induced toxicity in survivors.
In adults, single doses above 10 grams or 200 mg/kg, which ever is lower, have a reasonable likelihood of causing toxicity.Toxicity can also occur when multiple smaller doses within 24 hours exceeds these levels.
Chronic excessive alcohol consumption can increase the potential toxicity of paracetamol. Whether chronic alcoholism should be considered a risk factor has been debated by some clinical toxicologists. Additionally, it appears acute alcohol ingestion at the time of a paracetamol overdose may have a protective effect.
The initial treatment for uncomplicated paracetamol overdose, similar to most other overdoses, is gastrointestinal decontamination. In addition, the antidote, acetylcysteine plays an important role. There is considerable room for physician judgement regarding gastrointestinal decontamination; activated charcoal administration is the most commonly-used procedure; however, gastric lavage may also be considered if the amount ingested is potentially life threatening and the procedure can be performed within 60 minutes of ingestion.
Intravenous acetylcysteine (Parvolex/Acetadote) is used as a continuous intravenous infusion over 20 hours (total dose 300 mg/kg). Recommended administration involves infusion of a 150mg/kg loading dose over 15 to 60 minutes, followed by a 50mg/kg infusion over four hours; the last 100 mg/kg are infused over the remaining 16 hours of the protocol.
The prognosis of paracetamol toxicity varies depending on the dose and the appropriate treatment. In some cases, massive hepatic necrosis leads to fulminant hepatic failure with complications of bleeding, hypoglycemia, renal failure, hepatic encephalopathy, cerebral edema, sepsis, multiple organ failure, and death within days.

So.... still thinking of it? Think again.... the torture you have to go through- lavage, CHARCOAL... being hooked on a tube for over 20hrs................... and the amount of tablets you have to eat just so that you MAY potentially die....... Seriously..............
And if you don't, your liver would probably be almost half way 'there'.................. think CAREFULLY... before you act.... PLUS... antidotes ain't available everywhere... So if you're thinking of it, please also consider where you are. If you are in say... Kudat...... think of the even more prolonged torture you'll have to go through and withstand that harrowing journey to KK....
(and to add, think of the person waking up in the middle of the night to put a value to the amouont of PCM you have in your body......) =)

Your Non Acceptable Reasons, MY Acceptable Anger

2008-07-14T12:31:00.003+01:00

I've had a good day today until my work was questioned by a certain someone. NO, it's not that I don't take criticisms. But pls, before any one of you out there choose to criticise someone's efforts, pls, just pls have enough sense to make sure you have a strong case to. Because if it is me you're criticising, or someone like me... I WILL make sure I put my point across.

I cannot accept people who 'use' the people under their supervision to get THEIR work done for them, and just to end up criticising it. What's worse, not only was the work not properly evaluated, you criticise things which give me every reason to rebutt! So pls, just plssss.... before you open your mouth to criticise or 'give an opinion', pls know what you're doing. Constructive criticism is acceptable, but thinking when it is constructive DISCUSSION when CLEARLY you have not done your own home work (and to top that, I'm doing it FOR you)... one should just learn to SHUT UP.
Why am I so worked up? Because I cannot accept people who does such things, and people who only think that they are the only ones doing the right thing. In that case, I will LAY OFF everything that has to do with such people's medication- You so smart? you do it yourself, you so smart? run ur own tests, you so smart? figure it out yourself but DON"T EVER EVER USE other people's name. Because such situations can only lead to a very LOUD discussion when people like ME are involved.

Yes, I am downright ANGRY and I am STILL FUMING. Stomach that and accept that because not everyone are subject to your use and disposal, DESPITE your somewhat misconceived gentleness.

So live with it! People have their patience, DON'T test MY patience for I do not care how superior you are to me, how harmless you seem because I do not tolerate such cunningness. I AM NOT SUBJECT TO YOUR USE AND DISPOSAL!

So there!

4 Seasons Later....

2008-07-13T09:03:00.006+01:00

It all seemed so coincidental. When A asked me for some pictures, I started browsing through some old pictures taken in Glasgow. And a couple of minutes later, Sam sent me a text reminding me that it's been exactly a year since the 4 of us touched down in Malaysian soil again. And so, yours truly here started getting a lil nostalgic, reflecting how life has been over this 1 year, and how it has changed compared to that 1 year I was away.

I won't say it hasn't been good, because it has been good. It still is good.

So what has changed? A lot... a lot has changed. Meeting new people, starting my job in a totally new place, put the unhappy thoughts behind and moving forward. It really seemed like a lot has changed, but yet that student life days still seem not very far away.

A new chapter will begin soon, am I anticipating it? Not quite, but I will learn to deal with it and accept it when that time comes ( or so I hope to).. =)

Just before I left last year, this was what I was doing..
Dinner @ Waxy's O'Connor, had my pot of mussels.. slurpp.....

Walking around the George Square, strolling down Buchanan St, taking that stroll back to Birckbeck....

With that, we came back.

A year later, we've all moved on with our lives, with memories etched at the corners of our hearts. But we've gotten on with our lives, hopefully =)

Yes, the year has been filled with beautiful seas, lots of sunshine, lots of rain. So it isn't really that bad. It's just the corners of my heart that misses the days gone by every now and then. But until then, look ahead and move on...... =)

All Sorts

2008-07-07T16:32:00.002+01:00

I've been feeling all sorts of late. How do I explain that?
Things have happened, good, great and ugly.... And all these have made me reflect a little on myself. Things sort of heightened to today that I realised something about myself.

Firstly, it's nothing new to me that I thrive on work and a busy day, however much I can complain about it. And secondly, I tend to 'suffer' a lot from changes in the initial stages. Today was no exception. After few weeks of hustling up and down around the wards etc, I've switched to TDM, in a small room surrounded by 4 walls. And it has been, mentally tough. I just can't sit still in a room after being up and down and right and left roaming around.... I wonder if anyone understand how it feels because ppl around me keep telling me what a great place it is in the room- aircond and all... quite relaxing for a change. But the thing is, it's not the kind of change I want. It's quite funny thinking that I actually felt short-tempered at the end of the day. I thought taking a walk home on my own would be good, but until I got back to my room it still felt so 'tight' and 'suffocating'

And that was when something else dawned upon me. It's pretty difficult to rant to somebody these days. Maybe I've been gradually reverting to that old self of mine, not wanting to say much or open up over how I really feel. Then I thought, hmm... it's been quite a long time since I talked to a friend of mine. And since Maxis keeps extending their 50% off all calls ever since the GREAT Maxis Sabah breakdown, I thought why not. And what was supposed to be a 'how are you' conversation, I ended up ranting and whining for long enough... Must be tough being my friend huh? Oh well, I really appreciated that 'chance' and catching up for the rest of the hour...

It reminded me of how 'distant' I can seem to the ppl around me. I know also that sometimes it indirectly affect ppl around me. But how do you explain this? Hmm.... women are complicated? Or I am complicated.... *shrug*

Exactly a year ago...

2008-06-24T14:17:00.007+01:00

With Estella & Pui Ee with Grace... all these years......

JoeQ, the lonng enough friend....
Ps Mike & Sister Jaenette

May San.... & her pre Dr. Mak rose
With mum & Rach's mum; with KC

Carol.... faithfully looking over our needs abroad

Chuey Ee.... it's your turn to graduate this year!
You who I lived with, without Abby who was busy snapping pics somewhere else ; and our 'bag keeper' for the day

with the girls outside Barony Hall
The All who made the day complete.....

My favourite....

Yep... it's been exactly a year ago. Much have changed ever since. From living and learning together, we have all taken separate paths now. Literally all over the country too. Our road ahead have differed, and taking this time to reflect the days that were.... gives me a very strange/peculiar feeling of warmth with a slight tinge of sadness... hence strange/peculiar? Or rather, pretty overwhelming.
And I can't help but wonder, 1 year from now ( don't even talk about 10 yrs!); what else would have changed?

2008-06-20T10:50:00.002+01:00

Friday, pronounced ˈfraɪdeɪ, ˈfraɪdi is the day of the week falling between Thursday and Saturday
The name Friday comes from the Old English frigedæg, meaning the day of Frige the Anglo-Saxon form of Frigg, a West Germanic translation of Latin dies Veneris, "day (of the planet) Venus."
In astrology Friday is connected with the planet Venus. This associates Friday with love, peace, and relaxation, as well as with emotional intensity and quashed dreams.
In some cultures, Friday is considered unlucky, especially Friday the 13th. This is particularly so in maritime circles; perhaps the most enduring sailing superstition is that it is unlucky to begin a voyage on a Friday.
In one myth a Royal Navy ship (HMS Friday) was laid down on a Friday, launched on a Friday, captained by a Captain Friday, and was never heard of again.
Good Friday is the Friday before Easter in the Christian calendar. It commemorates the crucifixion of Jesus.
In Islam, Friday is the day of public worship in mosques
In Thailand, the color associated with Friday is blue, see Thai solar calendar.
Black Friday refers to any one of several historical disasters that happened on Fridays.
In the United States, Black Friday is also the nickname of the day after Thanksgiving, the first official day of the Christmas shopping season when most commercial businesses gain enough profit to come out of overall loss for the year.
Casual Friday (also called Dress-down Friday or Aloha Friday) is a relaxation of the formal dress code employed by some corporations for that one day of the week
-adapted from wikipedia-

Yep! FRIDAY! Isn't it amazing how FRIDAY has so many different meanings all across the globe? I'm sure the other days are equally as unique, but Friday.... being the day that most of us anxiously anticipate week after week after week....

Well, however many meanings Friday has to ppl around the world, my Fridays just mean this...

1) YES! I can sleep till kingdom comes! I don't have to be at work before 7.30 and not get paid for the extra time I'm working! (Ok, not very significant.. but still... half an hour makes a difference!)
2) I feel strangely uplifted on Fridays! Sitting through CMEs and presentations are actually interesting! (apart from my very own desire to learn more too!)
3) Coming home after work not having to think about work, and taking a break from unfinished work at night...
4) and etc etc etc

So yes... here I am. On a Friday, with 2 clinical cases down, 1 to go. Nevertheless, I feel slightly more relaxed than I have for the last couple of weeks. Being at home in my room, without almost not a care in the world tonight- except for the horrible superbug that refuses to go away, I'm doing absolutely nothing- doing things slloowwwwwlyyyy..... going through my brother's blog and seeing another side of him (nyehehehe)- the side that a sister never gets to see =p

Yep, and I don't have to rush through dinner to come home to finish unfinished business. So, I've decided to break dinner into 2 today- round 2 later =)

Tho, a lil part of me does regret pulling out from the med camp this weekend. Guess the tired and lazy part of me just wanted to stay indoors and avoid travelling this weekend. Hmmm......
Oh well, wonder how many out there actually feels elated as I am over a Friday.......
Happy Friday to me =)

2008-06-09T14:57:00.002+01:00

Debbie finds too many things happening around her that she feels like she's in a whirlpool. Debbie really wants to catch a breath for everyday seems like a struggling race against something. Debbie is amazed how life can turn into quite a rat race in Sabah. Debbie is truly exhausted she doesn't know how to describe it. And all she can feel right now is that she's about to fall on her knees.......
Is anyone feeling like Debbie? or is she imagining things?

Oh! What a Circus...

2008-06-05T11:47:00.004+01:00

...my mind is.
Much happened over the last few days/weeks. To sum it up, it's been quite an 'adventure'.
But before I rant on, this is just a funny lil thing that happened yesterday..
In conjunction with petrol hike frenzy, yours truly's car was running out of petrol! Sounds like a good opportunity to make it for the final 1.92 per litre huh? Think again!
On the way to CG,and of all the time in the world, the 'low gas' light started blinking while I was stuck in the petrol jam! So the task was this- Detour--> Park the car at the nearest car park and wait for help to come!
Hence, I parked my car at the Bkt Padang car park and waited for PS to come 'save' me. Putting all my worries aside (of my car, at least), we made our way to CG cutting through back roads, avoiding ANY petrol stations.
And so after CG, the chase began as the jam never ceased. SOOOO.... we went around looking for the shortest queue to buy petrol to save my poor lil Sportage. You'd be surprised at 11.45 the queues were still very very very long. If I remember clearly, one of the queues were so long that you won't see the petrol station from where it starts!
Anyway..... we managed to feed my car's hungry stomach by pouring in petrol with a 1/2 litre bottle.. and voila........... I CAN GO HOME! Phew!! Thank God for petrol!!! REGARDLESS OF ITS PRICE!!!

So yes.. my lil adventure to commemorate the beginning of forking out hundreds a month for gas.

Moving on, I've been in the wards for almost 2 weeks now. And I've made a little observation- patients seem to expire over the night, rather than the day. It sounds superstitious and silly, I know. But I can't help but randomly wonder? Well, not exactly randomly; but more of... I was looking for a patient who came in just yesterday to follow up and he was stable when i left after work yesterday. Anyway... no where to be found, I thought he probably got transfered to the next ward.... *walk walk walk*... *look look look*.... hmm... Tiada....
So I asked the SN there...... then she looked at me with a very serious and solemn face, 'Sudah expire... semalam......' and stared at me blankly. I was obviously pretty shocked. It's not uncommon but it just struck me how many times in 2 weeks that 'expiry' took place at night. And it kind of hit me today... how we are alive by His grace. I could very well be walking up and down today and be on my way 'up' tomorrow.
If you ask me, I think I should stop pondering over these things while going on rounds. It WILL save me from feeling faint and dizzy for the rest of the morning.

I got to know a patient and somehow I feel compelled to check on him everyday even though he's moved to the next ward. He's very small-sized, and in his 50s... and for everyday that he's been in my ward, I've never seen him in the company of a visitor. But he doesn't seem to be an angry or unpleasant person. Instead, he's just a petite and quiet old man. Whenever I look at him, he looks sad and lost and helpless- like nobody understands him and he doesn't understand what's happening to him (so do we, actually)... Honestly, it's quite normal to feel overwhelmed looking at all these and just as I thought I was not being human enough, I come across this person. Today, when I went over to the other ward, he was there, tiny and frail sitting at the foot of his bed and I wondered- has anyone spoken to this guy apart from us? Where are his family and friends? So when I greeted him with a simple 'Pakcik, apa khabar hari ini?' He replied with a smile and soft 'Baik... saya bilang baik sikit' And deep down I felt like asking him where are his people? Why is he alone when he can't quite walk a straight line and he looks so frail like he could just break into two?

I still don't 'see' or 'hear' answers to the question marks I have. Perhaps, I haven't been listening enough, or opening my eyes big enough to see. And everyday, I go to sleep trying to forget it all and sleep. And when I wake up, it feels like I'm slowly regaining lost memory. And when that happens, I'll be saying to myself, 'Go to work, and do what you are to do'
And the cycle goes on.... and on..... and on..........

2008-05-29T17:18:00.002+01:00

I had lots to say a few hours ago.... But now I only have one thing to say:
I am going to bed............... Let tomorrow's worries worry me tomorrow....

Crossroads 2

2008-05-23T17:01:00.003+01:00

Yeah, I guess I have a lot to say; or feel today.

I was surfing the net to find a programme that would convert my ActiveSync with Vista and obviously the 'genius' that I am, mission FAILED!

Anyway, gave up and went on to do other things. Saw UncleH's facebook request and voila! UncleH.. such a sudden blast from the not so far away past. Then it all started.... all the wonderings and ponderings...........

Seriously, after almost a year; I would have thought that I had moved on- being somewhere else etc. But sometimes, looking back at pictures does make my heart wrench..... I haven't seen some people in what feels like a very very long time, and I wondered where did the Debbie that was back then went.... I seem to look pretty happy then. Or at least, probably I selectively remember being happy. Life felt so meaningful then, finding faith and direction.

This isn't to say life is down in the ruts now- but that strange feeling... How do I describe it? That.. familiar yet so far away feeling that makes you contentedly sad....

I do suppose, my life on my own has truly begun.... and with much faith, I will live it the best way I can and fulfil my purpose.....

No, I'm not feeling any better..... I think I should sleep......

Crossroads

2008-05-23T12:53:00.002+01:00

I've reached the time where it's time to decide. To decide on so many things... things I've seen coming, things I've pushed aside because it took up too much of my time pondering over it. Now, I find them hitting me all at the same time.
Procrastination? Perhaps.
Though....
Being at crossroads just isn't me. Or rather, not the me at the present moment. Given the situation now, but a couple of years back, I'd probably be able to decide better. Somehow, along the way I'd become rather 'numbed' towards uncertainties despite how much I hate and dread it.
Maybe I've been seeking an answer in front of me, and hence I have not been able to see the bigger picture.
Or maybe, I fear the thought of laying it all down, surrendering it all to Him. Deep down, I know I have a strange feeling that it's time to go. But deep down also, I know or rather, I believe I will stay.
Deep down, I know I have to do it. But deep down, I know I'm afraid of the consequence that may ensue. In the first place, I shouldn't be bargaining. But I find myself saying all the time, 'Now's not the time'.....
At the end of the day, I find myself troubled with other questions like , 'Why now???' or... 'What now?'.......
And just maybe, at the end of the day it is the issue of wrong prioritisation?
Honestly, I don't know which fits the description- 'I don't know' or.. 'I just don't want to know'....

Of Starbucks and Americans

2008-04-30T10:51:00.003+01:00

Café Américano or simply Americano (the name is also spelled with varying capitalization and use of diacritics: e.g. café Americano, cafe americano, etc.) is a style of coffee prepared by adding espresso to hot water, giving a similar strength but different flavor than regular drip coffee (the strength of an americano can vary depending on the number of shots of espresso added). Like espresso, americano tends to be an acquired taste, and many drinkers prefer it black and unsweetened to fully appreciate the taste of the coffee.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Americano_(coffee)

Yes, that's what an AMERICANO is. So, the next time you step into Starbucks wanting to order your AMERICANO, remember to quote the above definition of AMERICANO. Otherwise, the baristas might, JUST MIGHT ask you if you know what an AMERICANO is.

So, Too BAD that I have an acquired taste for AMERICANOS, so much so that I can't decide if I want it Tall or Grandehhh and the baristas had to confirm with me if I know what it is in the first place.

2008-04-28T12:02:00.002+01:00

I remember something which my English teacher once told me. It happened quite a number of years back (yes, am getting quite ancient).
Back then, I was that girl who was reluctant to leave my schoolgirl days behind knowing that I will have a hard time missing it. So, one day towards the end of my final year in MC I went up to my teacher and said to her, 'I'm really going to miss school-shocking huh.. but I will, and I'll miss attending classes- yes, yours included'
And then she looked at me and reminded me, 'Yes, school days are the best days. But when you miss your school days, think of the people you left behind- you may miss one or two teachers etc, but one teacher will be missing all 40 of you, so what about that? But that doesn't make me sad for long because I know you girls are grown up and it's time for you to seek your own path and that makes me happy as your teacher'

And many months later, I went back to MC with some of my closer friends and met this other teacher who taught us Physics. He took some time from his class to catch up with us outside his old laboratory and towards the end, i remember feeling shocked when he became rather lost with words, and eventually he said, ' You know, it makes me happy to see you girls all grown up and successful in so many different ways but i always knew you girls will make it. It's really nice to know that you still remember your good old Physics teacher..... '

My point? If I go, I want to go knowing that I've left good prints behind, and I'll take good prints along with me as well, so that many years down the road I will still remember what a good impact was done to me to make me the person I am then in the future. And I want to leave knowing that those close to me will be alright and that they will continue to grow into people with extraordinarily huge hearts (not physically, though!)

2008-04-27T10:45:00.002+01:00

Sunday has arrived, yet again =)
Looking back the week that has been, I suppose I have a lot to thank for, and a lot to let out. I'm glad I've completed my time in yet another rotation- tho I'd miss the people there, and the place where reading newspapers are essential! =)
Will be going back to the hospital beginning tmrw and it seems like a very distant place now- which is totally ironic considering I live across the road to the hospital. Probably from all the time that I've been away, I've gotten accustomed to it- and that is really my problem. I get too comfortable at a place too easily that I don't want to move.
Which brings to my next worry- my constant worry that I'll never be able to stay at one place unless I learn to attach and then DETACH. Needless to say, I never learn. After all these years of being away, I never learned how to detach. I dare not say that I've learned what I'm meant to learn here in KK, but I certainly am sure that I haven't accomplished what I desired to accomplish, and with that I'll never be ready to move again unless I accomplish this. And it has been a bugging issue in my head- AND being my usual self, I never really wanted to face it because it meant FACING it (??).. and also because I see so many things coming my direction now it almost seems impossible for me not to fall back- like having many basketballs hurled at your direction and you don't know which way to duck because they all come in different directions? Hmm.. something along that line..........
And this house...... everyday I come home to this house, into my room... and the thought of one day leaving this house, locking the doors for the very last time just makes my stomach flip and my heart wrench. I can almost hear San saying 'hmm.. sentimental ppl'........ LOL! Which then brings me back to the time when I turned back and stared at my lil room in JBC the day I moved out of the apartment- that feeling as though your heart weighs 10 times more, that feeling that you need to stare at it just one more time to store it to memory.
All these talks about an uncertain whereabout over the next few months bothers me, not only because I don't like changes; but also because I'm torn between wanting what I want, and going to where I'm meant to go- I honestly don't know which one bothers me more.
Tho I suppose, it is still a little bit too early to worry so much now when I have so many things else to settle. ONE STEP AT A TIME, DEBBIE!! PICK YOURSELF UP AND MOVE!!!

Phew!

2008-04-20T15:07:00.003+01:00

Weekends always seem to pass in a blink of an eye. Weekends pass even more quickly when you dread the M word- MONDAY.................
Nevertheless, we are working people, and we are meant to work to eat... unless we occasionally eat to work... Hmm.. rambling nonsense again.
Anyway, the weekend was pretty good. Had a nice time in Labuan, tho it was tad bit hot for my liking, but guess nothing beats working on weekends? =) most definitely....
Food was good, and it somehow felt like I'm being transported back in time when I carried my faithful backpack around with me, only this time we don't stay in backpackers, we've upgraded to hotels...... !
Although, it would have been great if for just once, I wouldn't get a headache on a holiday. It always seem to happen to me, no idea why- it happened in Paris, it happened in Venice, it happened almost everywhere.... this included! Oh weelll, next time reminder to self- bring PCM!
All in, I'm glad I had yet another nice weekend- days I've learnt to treasure much..... =)

And now, the time has come to crawl under my blanket n embrace the coming week!

Irony, no?

2008-04-10T11:01:00.003+01:00

Rats have been particularly among us over the past week. Dear LPS had sleepless nights with the arrival of an understandably unwanted guest. Funny it may sound? Wait till u have one too!!
Got home yesterday to know there's a rat in the trap in the terrace. Nobody knows what to do with it, what more want to even go 100m near that Thing!
So what's with this fear of rats? Or rather, the disgust over rats?

RATS: Rats are various medium sized, long-tailed rodents of the superfamily Muroidea also known as Beto.
Rats are frequently blamed for damaging food supplies and other goods, or spreading disease.

In fact, we humans dislike rats to the extent we use it as an analogy to describe suspicious people, hence 'rat-like'.

So... the IRONY..........
Introducing our (some of us) all time favourite, Jerry- nemesis of Tom.

As a kid, I used to enjoy watching Tom&Jerry. To the extent that I always felt that my life was similar to that of Jerry's-constantly bullied by Tom, in this case my dear big brother. So, we sorta have a kind of 'connection'............
Next, we have Fievel.. the very much adorable rat who gets lost in America in 'An American Tail'- also my all-time favourite. The rat that made the song 'Somewhere Out There' linger in some of our minds till today. ( I can still hear the Fievel sing in my head.. Awwwwww...) Then, we have Ratatouille- the gifted food-critic cum chef-wanna-be. We all found him so so so so oh so cute... Imagine a rat as cute as it cooking in your kitchen? errr.... no?

My point is, rats are supposed to be cute! But no, contrary to popular belief, esp with the existence of the above cute lil rats, they are a nuisance! They don't quite make me go 'Awwwwwwwww'... but more like 'AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!'

So.... who still thinks rats are cute? You are most welcomed to 'play' with the one in my terrace, but PLEASE... just PLEASE... get it out of my sight A.S.A.P....

One of Those Days...

2008-04-04T10:48:00.003+01:00

I've always anticipated Fridays ever since starting work. But today has just been one of those days where nothing went right. Well, not exactly nothing at all, but comparatively it seems like nothing went right! To add to all the things that nearly made me lose my temper, my laptop went 'POOF' THREE times in a day because of office blackout. There's only that many shocks an old laptop can take in a day........
It's been some time now that I've had this edged feeling inside- not wanting to talk about things and not wanting to THINK about consequences.
It's in times like these that my mind escapes from the reality of the present. Have I been a 'failure' in areas I should be progressing? Sometimes it feels so...
And when my mind escapes, it always escapes back to times when I felt like I was being myself, and growing the direction I should. And what do I do when I escape the reality of the present? I start looking through old pictures-not so old, but old nevertheless. Every picture I see, it just feels like it was yesterday that it was taken. And the story behind the picture starts playing in my mind. Hmm.... somehow, my fondest memory is to run across the hall, perhaps chasing one person after the other... and of course our steamboat at almost every occasion. Hehe, strangely even freezing to the point that my nose could just fall out humours me now.
*sigh...*

The last time I felt like this was when I was busy with AnneB's research write-up... ooh that unforgettable experience. Feeling like this more often now is definitely not a good sign.
I am d.e.r.i.t!

2008-03-23T13:04:00.003Z

A Holiday from a Holiday- sounds familiar?
I'm sure we've all had that 'syndrome' at least once in our lives. That dreaded feeling of needing another break from a break, because the thought of ending your break is too much to fathom?

It's been quite some time that I really had some time off from my surroundings- without implying that my surrounding is horrible, though. Just simply that feeling or longing to get away for a few days. And that's what exactly I had- a nice long weekend with PS & V out of KK. Doing things that I normally don't have the time to do- just plain lazing and bumming. This doesn't go to say that my weekends are filled with work but rather my weekends are spent catching up with housework etc just like many other people. But without that to think of for 4 days (also means I have MORE laundry to do now) has been a great feeling. Literally doing absolutely nothing in particular- sunning, eating, enjoying the sea breeze- you don't quite get to do this very often.

Yes, it's been a good break. But coming back to my room does sadden me a little. My lil getaway has been filled with noise and laughter, and now the room is only filled with sounds from my i-tunes. I'm also tired, and rather dreading the sound of my alarm which I've not heard for 4 days. Going back to routine doesn't exactly make me feel good, not on a Monday especially. It feels harder today probably because the silence makes it a little bit more unbearable. It has never been that 'quiet' till the last few months. Probably because I still think back of the year in JBC, when I'd hear Sam shout ' Hello Hello, I'm Hommmeeeeee'... and I'd do the same. Or better still, after a holiday, I'd run across the hall to Van's corridor and announce my 'return'....... it won't be as quiet as it feels in this room....

It is in these conditions that I loathe my own personality of not being able to let go. I don't attach easily but letting go is even harder on me. Coming back to my lil room issue, I suppose it has to do with growing up. I notice, that as I grow older, I am more aware of my surroundings and its consequences. Hence, the fear of drowning in a pool is there, and so is the fear of re-adjusting to my routine- what more... a change of environment. Yes, it's really a matter of control over our minds, but that's the hardest to do isn't it? Many of us, me included, are victims of falling into the trap of letting our emotions control our minds rather than the other way around.

So, what do we do? My biggest comfort thus far is that by putting my faith in Him, I know I'm really not alone. Tho sometimes, or rather, many a time it tends to be difficult convicting that to heart.

The Gray spot..

2008-03-17T15:23:00.003Z

Honestly, I wonder what has gone wrong. Familiar faces have become estranged, random thoughts have become serious thoughts, seems like things are going topsy turvy.
With all happening around me, I feel like i've been wiped from the open space into the vacumn cleaner- strange way of putting it but well, close enough. And the world of vacumn cleaners are alien to me- it's dark inside, it's dusty inside, it's small inside there's no room to move what more leg room....
Anyway, as much as things have been happening around me, I feel like I've somewhat grown another direction- to be that more 'alone' person rather than a people person. People that I'd share my thoughts and trouble with are no longer the same people to me. Maybe it's difficult being myself now. Because I no longer want to have that feeling like I have to explain myself, or to bother.
Some people may wonder why is it that I love being in my room so much. The answer is so simple- no one else can enter if i forbid them to. Hence people in my room are people I let into my heart. Yet, sometimes even these people can knowingly or unknowingly hurt me. Then comes the even bigger question- Why is it that I don't really want to bother?
I miss things as it was... I miss the honesty, I miss knowing that whatever happens, caring comes from the heart and not out of obligation. Yet, I don't know if that's what I'll be getting that anytime soon......
And so I'd say, 'Even if the sun in KK shines so brightly that it glares your eyes and blinds it, look up nevertheless..... even if it means exposing your face to freckles....... ' Lol...

2008-03-16T13:09:00.002Z

She lived the best she could. Through the struggles, through the pain, she fought on strong. But not always was she strong- there were still moments when I could see the glimmer of hope in her eyes fading away. Though, she doesn't stay long that way because she had something which not many siblings share these days- full support. Support in every sense. And being the 'outsider' in the family, I've been touched many a time by their love and compassion for their dear sister.
I've known her all my life, she watched me grow from a cry baby to an adult somewhat with a mind of her own, I grew up with her children. We had a little distance between us but never had she once stopped caring. And though our conversations and meetings were numbered of late, never once had she not appeared to be motherly whenever we speak. Through all her hardships and sufferings, she had a wonderful gift of giving- something which we tend to ignore when we get self absorbed into our own problems.
I feel that wrenching feeling in my heart- over the loss of an aunt I've known all these years. Though I keep reminding myself that no longer is she in pain, and that she is indeed in a place we all want to be; that feeling of loss lingers on. Not knowing what to say, and not knowing how to express my feelings. Fighting back tears, I keep reminding myself that truly, it's for the better; and no longer does she suffer in pain and heartaches. But it seemed difficult to hold back this morning- before i heard the news, I couldn't get my mind to concentrate. Supposedly, I should have sensed it meant something. Though it wouldn't have made a difference, probably to me it would have made a difference in a way...
We were never that close, but I'll always remember her as an aunt who has always been there. She lived down the road where I lived during my college and uni days, and often would we sit on the same table talking over dinner, or a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Today, I feel a pang of guilt of not being able to be there to see her for the very last time. And the next time I go back, she won't be there when I walk into her house. She won't be among us any longer, but I believe that she will reside in our hearts and minds.

2008-03-10T13:18:00.007Z

Many thoughts and images have been flashing back for the past 8 months, and it still does. I've met friends I never thought I'd meet, what more lived with; and most importantly, I think most of us had a wonderful living experience there too. It's hard sometimes not to miss those moments, but I suppose the trick is to cherish it, and not be saddened that those days have passed. Indeed, looking back puts a smile on my face and I can go on and on and on about days gone by- but one has to look ahead. As hard as it can be, the past does belong to the past. Though, I'm glad to say that it has given me loads of good memories. It's impossible to capture everything into one.. but anyhow.....
Of late, I've been thinking about how things would turn out in the future. Day in day out, it becomes increasingly difficult to picture the next 3 years being the way it is. The little thought of escaping becomes increasingly greater too.... then the question becomes, escape, how?
And everyday I'm only waiting for a break, which never seems to come.......

Random thoughts..

2008-02-26T12:38:00.002Z

It's been busy, and I guess it makes me rather 'deranged' to say that I'm glad i am busy. Although many things require my immediate attention, I guess I don't want to bother dealing with it now. Other than work, my brain's pretty much shut to other things.
I'm giving the issue of 'perfect people' a rest. I'm giving my thoughts a rest.
Though, 2 things have been lingering in my mind of late- my achy breaky back... and 'ARSENIC'. Haha don't be alarmed- It's just something that I have been working on for a presentation. No plots for terrorism whatsoever, no worries there!
I wonder though, that in this 6 months that I have been here... how much different am I from what and who I was a year back? Strange random thought but guess I still can't escape those little little thoughts...
For the sake of just scribbling... I conclude with this : In all things, good or bad, look up....... =)

2008-02-11T16:54:00.000Z

In life, or somewhere along the line; there are one or two people whom you would unconsciously perceive to be 'perfect' in your eyes- be it as a child or as an adult. People who are indeed flawed just like anyone else but somehow you still choose to perceive them as perfect. So much so it turns into an expectation along the line. When you are forced to accept the fact that they were never perfect in the first place, be warned tho- as it could seem like the world around you is falling apart. Differentiating between angels and humans within them becomes difficult. Drawing the line between telling yourself that they're human and that they 'should' be like this and not like that becomes difficult.
Sooner or later, it becomes a disappointment to you- and then the question comes along- disappointment of them or yourself?
That 'blame-it-on-them' road seems very tempting at this point, and fighting that urge to take that road is difficult too. Simply because it also means accepting the fact that you yourself could have been a disappointment. When looking at the right direction becomes difficult as well because you indirectly force yourself out of it.
The wounds could very well be an old scar or a fresh wound--> either way, blaming isn't the way out.
And all that can be done is to stop believing that they are perfect. That way, you will eventually not expect anything; simply because nothing here on earth can satisfy or fulfil a person's expectations.. So, I guess at the end of the day, it boils down to which direction are you looking at....

Ouch....

2008-01-30T15:20:00.000Z

I do suppose I am getting 'older'....Ever wondered if it was going to rain when your knees start aching? The age old myth of 'rheumatism'.
Attributing it to bad posture over a number of years, I do realise that I'm not getting any younger and hence, it's time to look after my back!
That aside, I'm reminded of what someone told me before- that the physical pains and aches we experience signify different things. And it makes me wonder if it is indeed what it relates to.

It's been a rather long week thus far, but I suppose I'm doing better than I have over the last 2 weeks. Being busy running around fixing things somehow makes me focused.

Thinking back, I realise that I've pushed aside the more important things in life. Highlighting the issue and not the solution isn't the way to go. And indeed, there's no point in setting my focus in the 'now' and not the 'end'..........

On a lighter note, I am anticipating one thing tho- FOOD over CNY--> chinese dishes aside, I am anticipating the lemang and rendang ... yep... loving the irony!
Should start praying for 'No jam on the way home'..... because i DO NOT want to be stuck on the road for hours........ =)

2008-01-24T10:32:00.000Z

I have an issue with efficiency and standards, common sense and manners. All which somehow decided to get on my nerves this week.
Why is being responsible so difficult to some people? This isn't about being hugely responsible for a life-saving issue, it's just about being responsible doing your OWN work. Even that simple of a thing can be so difficult. Not only that, ridiculing someone else for NOT doing their work because they were helping someone else in return-is unacceptable- simply because the out come of it was that it gave you more work. What you failed to understand is that other people have been helping you out and covering your back for the past week and frankly, it's enough. I understand, but I can't accept it. It's not about being stubborn, but I don't see why I should compromise my own standards and principles to please others who demand to be heard.
And, why is common sense so difficult to 'sense'? Somehow my week can roughly be summarised with me trying to deal with people who act irresponsibly and without thinking before they act. All these little things just irk me. It's not about having high expectations, but simple BASIC things don't need to be taught. If one wants to be respected, at least give people a reason to! If one can't behave properly, what is there left to be looked up to? Foolishness?
Am I being petty and picky and fussy? Maybe I am. But I choose to stand firm that there are certain things which I will not compromise, one of it being my own beliefs and principles which includes BASIC work standards. However angelic or devilish you are outside work, I don't care. But if you are at work and you bring that devilish side of you along- I'm sorry, I refuse to accept that and I will not accept that.
This isn't intended to anyone in particular but just a few days of observation and being a part of this settings have made me realise that deep down, I can be strong. At least that much I've found again- I'm still that stubborn and insistent person... .............. Time to scale it down a little.................

2008-01-19T01:54:00.000Z

Expectations.. doesn't that sound familiar? Being mere simple beings, we all tend to fall into that 'trap' of expectations. This doesn't go to say that it's wrong, so let me put it this way, it's a waste of energy and time.
So why am I wasting energy and time when there are other things that require my immediate attention? (i think i'm secretly just too lazy to start my 'engine' at this hour of the morning)
But anyway... I have yet learnt to deal with the 'you may not expect but people will expect' theory. Because it still irritates me. I'm a grown up with my own mind, and I'm accountable to myself. I'm sufficiently responsible to know what should be said and done and what doesn't need to be done. So why is it so hard to deal with people doing otherwise? WHY must expectations be repaid? It seems to have become and emotional/social debt that people struggle to repay.
Hypocrisy? Mentality? Certain mentalities are just non-acceptable to me--> like having manners esp when one is at someone else's ground? That aside, going around being as though one is the 'most honourable' gentleman/woman in front of the world just makes my eyeballs roll,literally.
I suppose this explains why I prefer to be on my own- with no one to answer to etc.... Or have I become used to living 'alone' and living the way I think I want to... Partly I guess I've also given up to EXPECT others to understand my 'mentality'.
Again, I shall adopt a 'wise person's ' saying --> silence is golden. (Pun intended whoever it necessitates to...)

2008-01-17T15:44:00.000Z

Of all the 24 years of living, I've had different kinds of terrifying moments; though nothing severe that it has impacted so much on me.
So much till of late.
Life hasn't been horrible, I beg to differ. It's just been too 'exciting' for my liking. Nothing so severe has happened for me to make such a statement but it's probably just been collectively that something happens almost everyday. If an average of one 'issue' happens a day, I've probably had 17 counting from 2008. And that's probably the amount that's needed for me to feel as though the only thing I can do is fall on my knees.
The peak of it probably came after the accident I had couple of days ago. Nobody was hurt, with the exception of 3 strained necks... Poor Abby...... and my poor car.... yes...
Anyway, with the car in the 'hospital', coping with the aftershock has been strangely bothering. I never understood what it meant by being 'haunted' by something. Until the accident. So much so that sleeping becomes a problem and sleeping alone becomes an issue.
Someone often reminded me that it helps to talk through things regardless of the solution or outcome. But I find it a bit more difficult talking bout things as I grow older. It seems like I have problems expressing myself these days. Not just in this matter but in everything else, I've resolved to keeping quiet and letting things be. Or rather, just not bothered to explain my reactions and actions.
Do people really build a wall around them as they grow? Though I suppose a wall around me is better than a wall above my head......

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T02:38:00.000Z

Such a typical heading to welcome the new year, no?
The year passed so quickly, not swiftly tho.
Reflecting back has always been difficult for me. Don't get it wrong, my days aren't that traumatic or dramatic that I don't want to even think of it. It's just that sometimes, all these 'Think back on what you have done and what you have yet to achieve' stuff makes me question myself.
When I think of the year that was, I think also of the yearS that were. So this is what I've basically and generally figured...

That, firstly, I don't think I've quite gotten over or accepted the fact that I'm back. As much as I've settled in to where I am, things still remind me of 'yesterday'. When the strong wind blows here, I think of the strong wind there etc etc.. Even down to the people around me. Wherever I went, I'm reminded of the changes that are happening around me. People I am with are different, and are of different mindsets-which to some extent does bother me. In fact, it bothers me a lot.
When things are actually better seen in a bigger picture, I can't understand why people see it at such a narrow perspective and fail to identify what classifies as manners/courtesy/formality. All the way down to simple things like picking up the phone and addressing the person on the other end politely.

Well, few days into the new year already and things have been rather interesting for me. Won't say it's good or bad, but it has got me thinking a lot. Sometimes when certain thoughts just decide to pass, and somehow it's stuck with you until you figure it out? This time, only there's almost about 10 of it in my mind.
Very unconsciously, I've fallen into that old self of mine of 'drowning and avoiding' with work. Yes, Living with work and stress keeps me on my feet, but that fear of reaching its limits just scares me- and adding to that, it makes me lose concentration and hence increases the likelihood of me dispensing wrong stuff providing wrong stuff etc.....

I guess I really do need some time to think things through and decide what is it that I really want, and how do I get about to that. Don't know much, but I know I'm pretty much tired out from last year, and unrecovered with the new year. ......
So with much hope and faith, I will be guided through.......

Reminiscence.....

2007-12-11T15:37:00.000Z

Oh NO... Debbie's in that 'phase' AGAIN! *faint*
Yeah, precisely.... the moment has come..... I suppose the season of reflecting-because-it's-almost-newyear is back again..
Amidst sneezing etc, I can't help but recall the things I was up to this time last year. Everything I do...
Falling sick now reminds me of falling so horribly sick last Christmas..
Christmas shopping with Van reminds me of Christmas shopping in Buchanan Street n Argyle Street n Sauchiehall Street, together with all the lights n Xmas songs on the streets.
Not going home this year reminds me of the warmth despite the cold winter because of the people I spent xmas with last year..
Anticipating Christmas reminds me of the exictement we had exchanging gifts at home and the cozy dinner we cooked.
The warm n humid weather reminds me of the coldness n the basic comfort of having a warm scarf around my neck... and also the coldness in Prague/Vienna..
Remembering that trip to Prague n Vienna reminds me of the Christmas Market, and the fun I had-eating hot roasted pork n sausages, drinking hot coffee n wine in the cold; amidst the huge crowd of people. It's so so very strange, I can still 'see' the ancient looking streets in Prague's old town- walking down the cobblestoned- roads...
Truly it's my first year not spending Christmas with 'family' or at 'home'.... What's with the inverted commas? Well, its definition differs..Family meaning those dear to me, be it blood related or bonded... Home meaning a place I truly feel at home at. For the past.......21years? Christmas has been a celebration and reunion with my extended family-with the food works n xmas tree etc... Last year Christmas was with my 'family' of 8 in Glasgow. Home is where my family resides, and also a place i shared with the family of 8.
This time around, it's neither- Not that KK is a bad place, or I don't have friends to call family. But that sense of warmth just isn't there. And that thrill and excitement hasn't set in yet. Knowing that this could be my only year spending Christmas in KK I really want to make the best out of it. Yet another part of me just wouldn't move. I guess what I should be doing is to truly get down to understand the meaning of Christmas. And to sideline that feeling of loneliness....
And with 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' by Michael Bolton playing in the background...... I think it's really time for bed......

Mind boggling.. to me that is...

2007-11-26T16:09:00.000Z

I've often wondered, how would life turn out for me. It's one of those things I think about when I day dream. Just that lately, it's not daydreaming anymore.
Of late, I don't quite know the reason behind all those dissatisfaction I feel. Guess my biggest dissatisfaction stems from finding my job meaningless. Is it a form of insecurity to feel not needed? As though the world around you can continue to function despite your absence? Well, that's what I've been feeling.
Being in this profession in this country gives me a lot to doubt- Do I picture myself practising after 5 years? Do I picture myself practising in a place where the demand for such is there?
I remember something Anne Boyter said to me... that 'your country has compulsory services because they need your service......if everyone abandons that it will never improve'.... as much as it sounded like 'go home don't stay here' considering our 'history'.... somehow it made sense. That is, if we're talking bout getting down to basics.
But really, it's mentally discouraging sometimes being in the sort of environment when your service is merely to 'support' or 'back up'. When you know that there's actually so much that can be done, but limitations empower qualifications; just like how power overrules practicality. It's sad, but it's true.
Indeed it is pride that makes me feel so. Taking a step down indeed is difficult. And sometimes not plausible because by doing so, ppl tend to say that you're not living up expectations. So really... in a state of exhaustion, I really do not want to go to work knowing what I'll be doing tomorrow- press number -> ask name -> explain 1 od, bd, tds etc -> explain for HPT, DM, etc -> explain 2 months' supply, come back in january-> say bye bye.......
I can go on and on... but I should stop............

Seriously?

2007-11-22T15:34:00.000Z

I have to say, that most who know me would agree that I have an issue with expectations of standards. By that, I mean that I do to a certain extent, expect the people around me to have a certain standard when it comes to work. Any work..just.. work by it's most basic definition. Crudely, I suppose I do expect some degree of perfection in quality.
It is seemingly unfair to expect such things because people work to a certain standard they define for themselves. But a part of me finds it hard to accept irresponsibility and the failure to communicate wisely and have a decent, professional conversation over the phone-especially coming from an adult (age wise).
Is that really too much to ask for? Or rather, is that too much to assume- that one of a certain age would and should know how to behave and react in a certain condition?
On the other end of things, I suspect I do have an issue with pride. Because I cannot stand people talking to me as though I was born yesterday, incapable of striking a proper conversation, and carrying out tasks I'm meant to be doing. Because it makes ME question if I'm really like that sometimes! Contradictory thoughts are lethal! So pls! before you speak, pls pls be more aware of how you contruct conversations. I just cannot accept how it makes ME look incompetent, or lost or blur or worse... bimbotic...... because i know i'm not! It doesn't help asking me across the room if I'm okay, causing everyone to look at me- because I AM OKAY! Truly, I appreciate ppl's help, but sometimes too much help or unnecessary advice is suffocating. Being 'new' in a different department doesn't make me 'new' at work. Yes, I have counseled certain patients which you may not have before vice versa, pls don't be shocked because these things happen! Do i seriously look that bimbotic as though I graduated from some crooked/kopi-o uni to that extent it's amazing that I DO know how to do certain things like stttrrriiikkinnng an official conversation or the fact that I'm capable of making rational decisions without endangering others? Is it that shocking that I detected an error that someone else missed? SERIOUSLY???!
Ranting on, I suddenly recall how I don't understand why people always mistake my age for someone older... isn't it ironic that the total opposite is happening now and I'm stillll complaining? I guess I'd rather be treated as 5 years older than I already am than 5 or TEN years younger than I am....
This isn't directed to anyone in particular, it's just what I have been feeling over recent times. Suffocation is the word, to be exact..... As much as I appreciate the amount of help that I get, sometimes one has got to understand that too much help isn't a great thing either. And when people can stand one their own two feet, don't be amazed, because such things happen......... This is virtually telling someone who believes in independence that independence is not plausible....... undermining the weaker sex??? Oh goodness I HOPE not!
Sigh, I've really ranted on too much.......... Haven't sighed like this for a long time now. It's been bothering me and I got to get it out of my system or it'll always be ringing in my head...
I wonder if anyone gets what i'm trying to say......

Fridays are Great because....

2007-11-16T13:51:00.000Z

1) CMEs to attend in the morning- you benefit from it, and you kill time OUTSIDE.
2) 2 hrs later, it's almost time for lunch!
3) Lunch is 2.5 hrs long!
4) Long lunch hours- increased chances of escaping hospital food.
5) If stuck with hospital food, you will have extra time to do other things- sleep, catch up with unfinished work..
6) Once you get past lunch hour, it's an exceptionally exciting feeling as you anticipate 5pm- regardless of whether the 3 hrs in between will be a busy one
7) If you do get a good break at night, the best feeling is going to bed knowing that you won't be awaken by the much dreaded sound of the alarm the next morning......... =)

I really sound like a dread working. I don't dread working, I have just yet to master the art of keeping my patience longer than 15minutes in a conversation with a stubborn being for all different reasons.
AND, I really should be studying rather than rambling on TGIFs..............

A Thing for Seasons..

2007-11-12T10:39:00.001Z

It seems rather irrelevant to go on about seasons being in a tropical country. But symbolically, seasons will come and seasons will go.

With autumn giving way to winter, I find myself thinking back on how winter was for me last year. Cold, freezing cold..anticipating the heavy snowfall which never came =) , falling sick to the bone and getting that horrible winter stomach flu on Valentine's. Christmas was fun, New Year was great despite the violent wind which cancelled Hogmanay (doesn't sound like a great winter eh...)
But aside from all that, it was a real time of reflection for me. I came to understand what it meant to have 4 seasons in our hearts. 4 seasons which doesn't have its fixed duration and time of the year.... 4 seasons which we define for ourselves. We decide how long it snows and how long it shines... we can't control the leaves turning yellow and falling, neither can we control a snowfall. But we do have a certain extent of control over seasons of our hearts. It's just a matter of whether we can or will.
Why am I going on and on about this? Honestly I have no idea. It just seems like the only thought that stays in my head longer pretty much permanently.
Work has been good. It's been a good experience, it still is- be it patient antics or new useful facts or perspectives in life. Something that I have to learn is patience and humility. Patience has always been a big issue for me, and as for humility, I have a long way to go. Sometimes swallowing the bitter pill realising that you're just not good enough is difficult. That bit of egoism that sits in my heart does tend to get out once in awhile when I find myself refusing to admit that I don't know or having that horrible perception that I didn't study this hard to be a telephone operator or to be standing behind the counter dispensing medication. It is really a horrible thought to have, but I can't quite get pass that as yet. It's not a disgraceful job, but just not the kind of setting I like to be in. It's a trapped feeling. Literally too since I'm in that same place all day long, all week long.
Having said that, I've been too quick to judge seeing that it's only been one day being in that 'enclosed' area. I know I adapt easily not quickly. So I'm quite sure I'll grow to like it after awhile.
Until then, I must first re-master the art of staying awake, NOT going straight to sleep after 2 cups of coffee........... which totally defits the purpose in the very beginning.......

Autumn Leaves....

2007-10-11T15:40:00.000+01:00

Remembering it's autumn again, I've been thinking about the seasons in our lives again. It's not a recent theory which we relate to ourselves. We all go through different seasons emotionally at different times. It could very well be summer but deep inside it feels as harsh as winter.... Seasons.. Vivaldi composed 'Four Seasons'... Boyz II Men sang '4 seasons of loneliness' and Nat King Cole, Eva Cassidy, Andy Williams, Ella Fitzgerald, Ol' Blue Eyes and Diana Krall sang Autumn leaves..........

The autumn leaves
Drift by my window
The autumn leaves
Of red and gold
I see your lips
The summer kisses
The sunburnt hands
I used to hold.

But since you went away
The days grow long
And soon I’ll hear
Old winter’s song
But I miss you most af all
My darling
When autumn leaves start to fall.

The autumn leaves
Drift by my window
The autumn leaves
Of red and gold
I see your lips
The summer kisses
The sunburnt hands
I used to hold.

But since you went away
The days grow long
And soon I’ll hear
Old winter’s song
But I miss you most af all
My darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

Which season are you in?.......

Of complicated minds..

2007-10-10T12:03:00.000+01:00

It's my second week/last week at the hillside pharmacy (yep, u heard me right-hill side). Halfway through the week I'm already reluctant to leave. Not that the view from above is breath taking or whatsoever, but for what it has given me.
Having slightly more time than the other pharmacies downhill, I can afford to spend more time in the wards clerking cases. It's a place to 'observe' the meaning of life and to ponder about it.
Last week I clerked a case of a young boy with Thalassaemia Major who has already developed cardiac complications. As I learnt more about this condition, I feel quite torn in deciding what is it that I feel. Just 2 hours ago, I saw this boy with his friends at a coffee shop having a drink and having a smoke too. That's when I thought about what I would say to him if he was in the ward. Would I advise him to stay off ciggies? Or would I just let it pass? It's strange.. because he already knows that smoking harms his life, but he also knows that he probably won't live past 30. That gave me something to think about- how would you, as an 18 year old, spend the last few years of your life? Knowing that your life will never be like how you have it wonderfully planned as a kid- getting a degree, your first pay, and the ultimate 'living happily ever after' plan.
Indeed it's all a matter of perspective and how we view things. We choose-either to succumb to the depressive thoughts that comes along, or to live life the best we can. But how long can one live optimistically? Some ppl with extraordinary strength can do it. Yours truly ponders if she can hold on that so called bright side long enough to live life fully. To add on, if living life fully also includes living dangerously or shortening your life span?
If that wasn't enough to keep my brains ticking, I went in to the ward early this morning and clerked a case of A.L.L.... a 13-year old girl.... who was obviously in a lot of discomfort. Along came the nurse to adjust her i.v. line, and that was when i saw how weak she was when even the nurse's action hurt her to bring her to tears. Standing right in front of her, I felt a sudden need to get out of the ward. But I also know that the girl is the one suffering, not me.. so why should I run out as though I'm the one in HER position? If there's anyone to run, it should be her- not the pharmacist in her white coat standing across her.
Later in the afternoon, I popped in to follow up a patient i clerked last week. A rather elderly man who thought his anaemia was the reason he was admitted to the hospital. Life turned a different direction when it was actually AML. Once again, I'm amazed at how well people take bad news as such. Is it the lack of understanding of the illnes and its prognosis or can people be pushed to be strong to such an extent that it seems like they're just battling a bad case of flu? OR, am I the weak one pondering if I can ever be strong like the 13 year old girl and this elderly man?
And with Raya just around the corner, I hear requests and negotiations between patients and doctors about going home for the festive season all the time. A patient even asked me if I could talk to the MO to let him home for the weekend. Some of them are definitely not fit to go back to their families, but to them, they don't know if they'll be celebrating Raya with their families again come next year. So again, what would you do?
From the bottom of my heart, I truly hope that they will be well enough to return home to their loved ones and not spend the weekend in the hospital waiting for doctors and pharmacists to scribble on their 'scrap book' and take down the history of their stay in the hospital.... THAT can be rather unnerving.......

Thoughts...

2007-09-29T18:23:00.000+01:00

Week 3! In just 3 weeks, I don't know what have I done that aunties and patients keep enquiring about my marital status and my personal life. Guess these are funny embarassing moments that give me something to laugh about at the end of a tiring day. Not to mention the silly things I do at work- like searching for my precious pen all over the place only to realise that I used it to put my hair together.
As much as work has been good, I still find it difficult to differentiate between liking work and 'drowning' in it. Ab once said that I have issues with myself being happy. I find myself replaying those conversations rather often these days.
Late into the nights are often times when our minds are most 'vulnerable'. Ever since starting work, I'm seldom awake anytime past 11pm. Tonight's one of the rare nights that I'm still awake at 1.30am.
It rained heavily and the winds were blowing so strongly just now. It made me remember how afraid I was of thunder and lightnings. The wind is really strong here in KK that everytime it blows, I am reminded of the weather in Glasgow.
Sometimes I really don't get why is it that I still have one foot in Glasgow and one foot here in M'sia. It's been 2 months? And so very unconsciously, my life in Glasgow seem to seep into conversations.
It's so easy to fall/turn back that sometimes we forget that life's meant to be lived looking ahead and not back. I am soon enough brought back to the present when I look around me and realise that I have so many things to be thankful of. Probably I really do take things for granted. Tho sometimes, it's tricky when I try to differentiate between living in the past and reminiscing those moments. At times, I think I need a really big kick from above to move forward. I do fear that I'm losing grip of whatever amount of faith I had.. simply by not thinking enough about it.
Ppl around me seemed to have moved on more than I have. Indeed, Debbie, it's time for you to move on before you spend time watching life pass you by...............

New beginnings...

2007-09-23T16:14:00.000+01:00

Been 3 weeks since starting my first posting @ QE. It's a whole new experience. Sometimes it seems hard, but I am glad that things have been rather smooth for me. Smoother than I thought tho. And I have the new beginning that I've been going on and on about.
The past 3 weeks has been well spent. Guess that part of me that's driven by work never changed, I still am. Am I drowning my thoughts with work? I don't know really. Sometimes maybe...
Also, I'm surrounded by positive ppl at work, it's getting infectious... hehe...those who's known me for years would find it unbelievable that i can get infected by happy ppl, but truly, I have so much to thank for here. All the worries of not fitting in and being lost and miserable was almost for nothing. Surely one cannot expect it to be a bliss but it does make a big difference when you don't dread waking up in the morning and going in to work with a frown.
Maybe we all need new beginnings at certain points of our lives. Tho there's not many ppl that I know here, or rather more accurately, there's not many close friends here... it doesn't feel that lonely here. Van's always here and I still don't get to see her as much as I want to, but strangely, it's okay. Cos I've come to truly convict to heart that we all have each other in our hearts. So this is where we part ways but still have each other. Maybe this is what a true gift is.
Have I put things behind me? Honestly I still can't be sure. I thought I did, or at least I thought I was starting to. But something made me feel sad today. Was fiddling with the piano in the house and this familiar sense of sadness just brushed past me. It's then that I realised that I'm only halfway there... so there will be times when it doesn't feel so good.. but so long as it doesn't happen often, suppose it's alright? I don't know really......
Now the next thing to do is sleep.... Monday again tmrw! With faith, it will be a productive week well spent =)

2007-08-25T16:02:00.000+01:00

Leaving soon, I can't help but think about the whole 'going away' issue. It reminded me of Glasgow, for some reason.
Not exactly a good thing when that happens.
I miss the place, I miss being there, I miss the people there, I miss the warmth I felt with them, I miss the little family I had there, I miss the crazy girls I lived with, I miss living with them.
Technically, starting work also means studying again. Forensic exams in a year.... and it just crossed my mind- that it'd seem a little different now. No 7 rooms to barge in, no 2am dinner/supper with Rachel, no 2(sometimes 3) hour tea breaks after IPL sessions.
And all the people that's left behind.... or rather people I left behind....
The 'me' over there had direction. However 'lost' I felt, I still had direction.... but now there's this cloud of uncertainties hanging above my head. SO many things running thru. But my mind keeps replaying clips of the days in Glasgow.
anyway.... should stop thinking n get some sleep instead..........

Random thoughts...

2007-08-14T16:07:00.000+01:00

Today has been rather eventful for me. Be warned, compared to the other days today IS eventful.
Anyway, mum had this free facial session from Estee Lauder, so she signed me up for it. After numerous times of calling me, I finally made the appointment with the beautician- for today. So I went for it.
Beautician: Wah, your pimple so big ah?
Urs truly : Er, yeah.. it is.
Beautician: *squeeze* ( like Really hard )
ouchh...
Anyway,I made plans with Sumi to have our hair trimmed. So, trimmed we did. Now, my fringe is irritatingly all over my face because I can't push it behind my ears. Grrr..
Sometimes I feel that I try to 'accomplish' too many things at one time that it ends up a big mishap.

Whatever. Got hungry at night (finally!) and suddenly craved (finally!!) for char kuey teow. Drove out to our usual stall near the market to feed myself. This stall has been there since.. forever. This couple set up their stall by the roadside of a junction that's pretty abandoned at night. So, there I was; standing by the roadside and it just hit me- Is it even safe to set up ur stall here? Does anyone ever wreck havoc here? Hardly 2 cars (excluding mine) passed the whole 10minutes I was there. Guess circumstances doesn't leave us with much choice and we just have to believe.
Anyway, I was quite tempted to ask them what I thought about it. But somehow the logical side of me stopped myself from blurting those questions. And I wonder why. Somehow I lost my judgement on whether it'd be rude to ask such things are would it sound like I'm insulting them? Maybe I think too much. How could a simple hunt for supper provoke these kind of thoughts in me? Haha... maybe I've been idle for too long.
Whether or not more cars passed that street, I don't know. But I do know that in that 10mins I was there, at least 5 customers came to 'tapau' their supper just like me. So I guess business is good, and they're not always alone. Even if they were alone, they wouldn't be alone because they have each other after all these years. And even if it wasn't that, they'll never be alone either. I know I'm not either....

Random thoughts at this hour means it's time to stop babbling and get some sleep =) Somehow I think tonight I'd turn off the lights satisfied with my supper, and with a smile. =)

2007-08-05T14:44:00.000+01:00

It's been 3 weeks since getting back. On days when I'm at home, I tend to look up pictures that were taken recently. And it just struck me that so many of the pictures were taken when I was in UK, but so few ever since coming back.
Possibly, I have yet to re-adjust myself. Maybe I have gone overboard for not trying hard enough. And really, I have to stop living in the past at some point.
Days have been better. I do find strength to fit into life here once again. Though I haven't gotten back to the routine things I used to do, it is nice driving about town; wandering around the mall; and going out for drinks with A & C. It's indeed very nice to have people around me again.
Today, I dug up some boxes and bags that were stacked in my room for the past year (or more)- and found some interesting things! Firstly, I found Elmo n Cookie Monster! Then I found pictures from a long long time ago. Having said that, I threw away a whole lot of junk too. Though the room still looks quite cluttered, I guess I've gotten rid of quite a lot of junk.
Will start work soon- don't know where and when. I'm excited yet reluctant to start a whole new chapter of my relatively young life. The thought of not knowing where I'll be and whether I'll fit in worries me sometimes. Though so, I also know that there's no use worrying about days that have yet to arrive. And there's no use worrying bout tomorrow; for today has enough troubles of its own.....

*just something i've been listening to more..*

Home.....

2007-07-23T17:15:00.000+01:00

It's been a week since I got back from Glasgow. After a whole year of being away...
The last couple of days was great and I have no regrets, I suppose. Bumming at PE/LA's place, barbeque on a great weather, dinner @ Waxy's (finally!) with KC & Cwen... The last night was pretty sentimental i guess. Took a walk down Buchanan St, around George Sq- just for memory's sake. I remember it got quite overwhelming after awhile.. I suppose that's normal after building another life there for a year.
Coming back has left me with mixed feelings. I missed Glasgow and everything and everyone about it, and had a lil trouble readjusting back to life back home. Anyway, it hasn't been anything as I imagined- food craze etc. It seemed to have skipped me.

But anyway, I guess I'm finally learning how to let go. Somethings and some people are better left in the past and not brought into the present, for our own good. And it is hard, but I have to. With faith, I know I will get on with life-could be next week, next month, whenever; but I will. I will....

2007-07-07T00:04:00.000+01:00

I want to go home.... NOW

This n That....

2007-06-20T01:34:00.000+01:00

Again, I should be asleep now. But I suppose it's only late at night that minds start ticking.
It's another 5 days to the official end of my student life, after what? 16 years? Yep.... How does it feel? Quite strange actually. The thought of a graduation never really hit me, cos it always seemed all too far away. But now that it's just very much round the corner, I ponder about the true meaning of it.
Saying that, I've been thinking about leaving as well. Not long now- slightly over 3 weeks left? Yes, it won't help to keep thinking about it, though that seems easier said than done. Deep down, I'm worried I won't settle down back at home especially after being away for a year ( and so out of touch with a lot of things n ppl). My fault that is, but that feeling remains. And the people I may not see for a long time. Gosh it just seems like I'm some uncontrollable emotional person. Well, maybe I am.

Anyway, I miss my dear housemates dearrrrlyyyyy..... hehe.. Yep! I can't wait for you girls to get back! and Welcome back! It's not quite the same without all the noise etc.. hahaha... HOWEVER, I guess the few of us here are making good effort to create some noise every now and then. =)

On a happier note, Chuey Ee's finally here too! It feels great to see her again after so long. One of the few ppl that i've known for soooo many years..... and somehow we end up at the same places, sadly at odd times- just like now when i leave, she comes! Anyway, we used to listen to this song by Frente... I totally forgot about it (terrible me) until she sent me the song yesterday! Haha..
So, for old times' sake.....

Moving moving

2007-06-01T20:28:00.000+01:00

We moved most of our belongings yesterday, in boxes to be shipped back home. That HUGE, HEAVY box.....
With boxes gone, the room seems emptier and emptier by the hour. Just today we moved most of the remaining utensils etc to Chia Wen's place before we officially get evicted from JBC =p
I wonder, what would living in Birkbeck be like- without Van, Grace, Pat n Ab.... altho they're always welcomed at our new 'squatter area' =)
It felt weird today when Pat left today. We all sat around the dining table munching away, sort of like our last meal together in our apartment. Rach, Sam and I went into Pat's room before she left- and seeing how empty and bare it was reminded me that tmrw morning, that's what my room would look like. It'd look like it doesn't belong to anyone, just like when we first arrived. If someone entered my room, they wouldn't think that it's Debbie's room- in short, it's just another room. The blue sheets and pillow cases won't be there, the messy table would be empty, the laptop won't be on the dressing table..........
One whole year, us 8 lived together and had our ups and downs. Through it all, this home of ours is truly blessed, and so am I- for the friendships that were tested and mended and strengthened, all with much faith that it's all for a reason.
I'll truly miss all those late night meals with Rachel and San. I'll truly miss those gruelling stressful times we endured together- though tough, it gave me good memories too. I'll truly miss barging into one of the girls' room for fun. I'll truly miss 'tormenting' them with my bunny (I'm sure they'll miss her too!). I'll truly miss all those meal time talks, and teasing Van (all in good fun, Van!) and fooling aroud. I'll truly miss figuring out who's at home and who's not just by looking for missing shoes along the corridor. I'll truly miss living with them.
But I also know we all have to move on. So, probably moving out of JBC would be a small step forward. I wonder, who else would we be living with @ Birkbeck =)

My dear F6/E5 housemates, thank you for a great year and I'm forever thankful for each of you; for you have all taught me valuable lessons in one way or another.... spokesperson for www.shippingtomalaysia.com

And a song to remind u... that despite all our strange habits etc............

That's What Friends Are For

2007-05-30T14:39:00.000+01:00

It's now 12.15 am, 1st June 07- officially the last day before I leave the home I've come to love here at JBC...
Perhaps it's an over exaggeration since I'm not leaving the country yet, but all the thougths are filling in- memories made not only over the year, but over the entire 3.5 years.
Pat leaves tmrw, the earliest among the 8 of us. My neighbour for an entire year, just in the next room. We all had our ups and downs, but above all I am utmostly thankful that I am blessed with my housemates (despite those not so great times).
I guess I truly am a mopey person, especially when it comes to parting. I can't even bring myself to throw out my module notes because it has my work written all over it- as San pointed out- 'sentimental'. As I spent the week packing up, so many memories come flooding back and I said to myself, 'How life changed in a year' and then I reflect at how much/little I have grown, and then move on to think of all the fights we had, all the jokes we shared. I thought I would start weeping, esp with all the sappy songs I listen to; yet I didn't (not yet..). Something is etched at a corner of my heart- that is knowing that we will, in our own ways, cherish and remember all that we have gone through; be thankful that we crossed paths; and soon be ready to make more memories- and still love one another.
Yes, it isn't the end. Instead, it's the beginning of a whole new chapter of our lives. Yes we will take different roads, lead different lives; but we begin this new chapter with faith, lessons learnt, and memories made.

And now, it seems right to put this song in.....

yyyeessssssssss!!

2007-05-10T02:02:00.000+01:00

Yes Yes Yes! It has ended- the 1.5 weeks has officially ended!!
It's not just the last paper of the semester, but the last semester of the entire 3.5 years! How does it feel? hehehe... mixed feelings, I must say. Anson sent a good luck msg couple of days back and added that it's the last 2 days of our university lives- and I thought to myself, 'Hmm... didn't think of it in that light tho.. interesting' Indeed it is! Of course, now it's bout worrying over what the OUTCOME of the exam is.. but hey, let's give ourselves a break! The gruelling months of assignments and tests and exams etc...
Easy to say, but I'm feeling it already- the 'post exam' syndrome......
1) Yesterday I was saying, 'I want to sleep'.... and now, at 2am... i'm still awake, not sleeping...
2) I walk into my room, to automatically sit in front of my table and suddenly thought, 'hm? what am i doing here? should sleep rite?'
3) I have a bugging headache- I'm attributing it to cold turkey for coffee withdrawal... =p
and the list goes on... Basically, I just feel grouchy.. hehehee... not used to not having to rush through meals and showers to study.... Suddenly, the routine is lost. Hehe, I know I'll just regain my momentum after a few days... but oh well, it still beats the stress levels!

It's pretty strange observing actually... I noticed a couple of things that clearly indicates we've been all too 'engrossed' with the exam season :
1) Running out of garbage bags when you REALLY need them
2) Laundry basket is filled to the brim
3) Room needs SERIOUS de-cluttering
4) I don't remember the last time i drank plain water and not coffee
5) Ran out of tissue.. don't know where it all went!
6) Ran out of moisturiser- face feels like sand paper
7) Instant noodles is the way!... to shedding lots of hair
8) Eyebags are the centre of attraction in pictures taken very very recently....

And now... I believe I've killed enough time to go to bed now......... =)

The Fine Line.....

2007-05-05T23:04:00.000+01:00

With the 3rd paper out of the way, I've got another 2 to go, with a 4 day gap till the next paper...
How does it feel as of now?
Ever felt so calm that you find it scary? Yep, and it got me thinking- is it because I have faith that it'll be alright and that I must keep going? Or is it actually that I've given up and I've ACCEPTED the fact that I've sub-consciously given up?
Obviously, I'd like to think that it's faith that's keeping me going.. but after yesterday's paper it got me thinking about it. That fineeee line which distinguishes faith and failure.....
Feeling slightly better than I have the last 2 days, I truly hope that i'ts faith that I'm holding on to. I truly hope that I haven't 'sub-consciously' given up OR worse still- accepted the fact that it's over.
I used to feel exam diet ends so quickly once it begins, but this time around 1.5 weeks feels quite an eternity. Although I have just half a week to go, it already feels like I'm crawling my way to what for now seems to be THE finish line.........

The Things We Do.....

2007-04-27T01:37:00.000+01:00

Yes.. Exam's just round the corner... and that corner is SO near *yikes!*
This is one of the many breaks i take in between studying, especially when I'm at home. So..... yes, exam's coming, everyone's stressed beyond words, it's only in us to start doing peculiar things.

1. You decide to dye your whole head out of the blue ( yes, rachel.. we did it!!)
2. You decide your hair needs some 'trimming'... (i somehow suspect trimming hair is a form of stress reliever)
3. You are quite sure that your soft toy hears you, so you start talking to her.... since you don't think you should be disturbing humans..
4. You find ways and means to stay awake- even if it means mixing different types of coffee brands, just for the stronger effect...
5. You find Desperate Housewives hillarious- watching the 'desperate' things they do makes you laugh ur head off!
6. You start calculating the shortest time you can cook, eat and bathe so that you don't waste any time on each of it..
7. You start calculating the minimum mark you'll need for every paper you're sitting for... when really.. you sohuld be studying!
8. You are here reading this... as I am here 'scribbling'......

to all walking down that exam corner... Good luck and keep well! to my housemates.... i'll see you at those odd-hour meals- i promise bunny bear will stay in the room...... =pRemember San?... Last year before FMT?...... yes.... that's the deear San that we all love.... =p

early morning rants

2007-04-19T02:39:00.000+01:00

Friendship, i believe.. is a 2-way thing... when you realise that you're the only one who seems to bother, something's not right.... realising it is one thing.... TAKING ACTION is another thing... many a time, friendships fade because the one of those involved hardly takes the initiative to even 'try' to fix it... simple questions like 'what's up?'... or 'is something not right'..... seem so difficult to ask....
so what happens? the rift gets larger and larger......both sides would cease to even bother to even talk things through cos he/she might feel that it's not worth it, simply because it seems as though the other party doesn't bother... so probably the friendship never meant so much to begin with...
sad as it is... i guess it happens a lot... people come, people go.... despite promises we make to always be friends etc..... truth is.... not all of us mean it... and even if we do, sometimes we HAVE to show it.... all simply because ppl don't see things the way we do...... this reminds me of the article i wrote for the convo mag bout parting ways...... think i wrote bout this too..... oh well.. yes.. i feel it.... sooooo feeeling it..........
that's just the hard truth of it i guess..... however i do believe still that not having expectations does not stop one from putting in the effort......

On a lighter note, some friendships blossom at unexpected times and places =) Friends whom you never were close with suddenly play a big part in your life... or... friends whom u talked to in a certain restricted manner, you find that you can talk so freely to them that it seems like you've known each other for ages.....
why the difference? well, it's again in the nature of us humans..... we go through seasons together knowingly and unknowingly, and through it we learn to let go when we should, but still support one another..... so, without knowing quite certainly what we want, we shouldn't make promises to keep in touch... or to be there etc... esp not without identifying in us first, what are we seeking in it?

3am, my brain's not retaining information.... and I feel rather miserable now.... don't know why these thoughts are flooding my mind.. probably been there for too long..... way toooo looonnnggg....... i understand a lot of things are mapped out for us... but it doesn't mean that we just sit and wait.... guess a big part of me never got over the part of making a difference with our own hands, in God's will..... n to never let go without giving it our best.... but the question to ask is... 'is it worth it?'........ then again, who are we to judge what's worth it or not....
going back to the 3am thing... random thoughts can be pretty dangerous, just like now.... so i think i should just go and sleep... n hopefully wake up a good 5 hrs from now.... with hopefully more energy and feeling a lot more positive!

Still around.... =)

2007-04-12T22:41:00.000+01:00

Browsed thru some pictures whilst taking a break from the books.... and found some pretty nice ones (to me, that is.... ) =)

Anyway, came across something from Cynthia's blog.... 'not the same anymore'.... And I thought about it- how true it is.... many things in our lives, be it our daily habits or significant moments... once passed will never be the same again..... Just like how sometimes we try so hard to find that 'feeling' again not realising that we probably never will because, then it's just 'not the same anymore'..So, if we would all take some moment off to think about it; we just might appreciate the past and the memories even more, and live the present to the fullest for a better future?
hehe.. yep...so time to live the present and STUDY!!! =)

The Last Lap?

2007-03-29T23:51:00.000+01:00

Today, I finally finished the GREAT Mpharm research project dissertation. I must say, that as much as I didn't quite get what it was about (still don't really do.. hehe); that feeling inside when I printed out my work- was close to tears. Not that I'm sad I have to hand it in but more of just.... speechless I guess. To think that I finally finished it, after these months......
And hence the final lap begins! Finals of my final semester as a student by its conventional meaning-a month to do it all. Yes, it'll be tiring n stressful. It'll mean losing more sleep, but to think that it's almost the end of my uni life.... I want to give it the very best shot..
What's planned for me, I will only discover when the time is right.....
What I DO know now... is that I'm going to sleep now... n it's not even midnight yet *grin* =)

Randomness

2007-03-17T03:01:00.000Z

I think the multiple cups of coffee I had today is FINALLY taking its effect on me... at 3am.. wonder why it took so long...... -_-''
Was chatting with San just now in attempt to fight sleepiness.. and we mentioned how we 'dread' starting work in a few months' time.... then the irony of it struck me... couple of months back, i'd say that i'm not ready to give up my student life just yet; and now, i WANT to start work- cos it means that i would have actually graduated.......... lol, i'm starting to have some doubts if i'll scrape through these coming months. I want it to be the most memorable time, yet I fear it as well...

Then i thought also... at this time, next year, we'll be all over the country, and we simply can't just walk few doors down n barge into each others' rooms like we do here....... it'd be good enough that we keep in touch enough that time.... but oh well..... some things last, i'm pretty sure our friendship will too... =)

AND THEN, i went ahead n thought about the place i'll be leaving behind...... my room....
Being me, I don't quite like uprooting myself after i'm settled and comfortable at that place... these days i find myself reminding myself that i'm leaving soon... n this room will be taken over by someone else... which feels awkward, cos the room as it is identifies to me (yeah, it's still VERY messy no matter how much i pack things up in boxes....) It's hard to imagine someone else living in my room in a few months' time... it's MY ROOM! maybe i should go carve my name on the wooden pole =p tee hee hee.... INSTEAD, maybe i should start thinking how to pack up n send my belongings back... don't even get me started on how i feel leaving other things behind here apart from my F-6-2 room....

I really shouldn't be thinking bout these things now, I suppose... I mean...the pile of work waiting to be completed is still a mountain high.... but oh well... 3am... the mind does wonders....

Anyway, was looking through pictures again, n this time... hehe.. came across something i thought was rather hillarious.... *disclaimer- the situation below is entirely fictional*

In a restaurant, at a table in a quiet end.... a birthday boy is having a serious talk :
eyan (R) : It's MY birthday.. n u don't seem enthusiastic to be here! u seem so distracted by
other things... I feel hurrttt.. u're not paying attention to me..
Joe(L) : No no no.. where got? see, i'm paying attention to you.. i'm looking into your eyes..
Got hand behind my head also i don't care... see....??? i'm really listening!

Again, I blame this silly attempt to be funny at the hour of the night... =)
So, I think i ought to *hide* before i get hunted down for posting this... hee hee...
Good night, Glasgow.... *yawn*

When do you stop?

2007-02-28T19:41:00.000Z

Sometimes I get really frustrated, just like how I am right now. You don't know what went wrong, or was it something you did... but suddenly you feel like things are just going out of hand, and nothing seems right.
Maybe I'm gettin all worked up and sensitive, but sometimes I'm really tired of trying... cos in the end all I feel is disappointment and anger. I don't know how to express it really, but I'm quite tired of it. That feeling of unappreciativeness, as much as I've been feeling it for a long time... I thought pushing it aside could help and things would get better. But truth be told it hasn't, and nothing I ever do would seem right or enough or would be appreciated.
And you feel like the world around you somehow stopped caring if you were there or not. Probably this is how I learn to be less judgemental of ppl around me- I know I have the tendency to do that.
But really, sometimes I feel like just giving up. To say that I'm angry is wrong, but to say that I'm not is wrong as well.
I can't be sure what exactly triggered me to feel like this but at this moment, I can only conclude it's just an accumulation of things.. or not.... I really do not know....
Sometimes I wonder if being that strong headed and hot tempered and impatient person would make me better off happy...... because sometimes i don't see the difference as to how it makes me feel better and more at peace... i know i'm not now...

Whiny me...

2007-02-10T23:41:00.000Z

As I sit in front of my laptop, hair dripping wet; I say to myself ,'woman.. ur essays!'.... but I guess I haven't quite recovered from my self declared post exam stress...
I think the days of lacking sleep is mounting up and its effects are creeping in as I find myself moping around the house, and constantly in a daze, and remaining short tempered,still haveing nightmares..... executing simple tasks like GROCERY SHOPPING in Tesco Extra seem to require a lot of concentration. And not to mention my foolish attempt to cut myself off coffee over night, which undoubtedly left me zombied for the rest of the day....
I feel my brain working... but it's like a whole plate of tangled spaghetti in there, possibly in knots too if that was possible... In fact, right now. . I'm trying to figure out what is it that's going on in my head... it feels like a sort of detachment from my mind..... n it's working on its own... It's really better use of time if I get down to work on my EBMs n write ups... Procrastination is THE word...
That feeling of demotivation is back.... somehow I've begun to doubt my abilities... final semester blues? No idea... all of a sudden, I see all the work ahead of me.... I truly truly feel like just letting it fall on me n squash me into a flat piece of paper.... But to think that everyone is going thru the same thing as I am... and that I've come so far... I'm not willing to give up without trying harder and harder....... I owe it to myself, the very least..
So why am I feeling this? I really wonder, if I was cut out for this in the first place... I had this doubt from the very beginning but it never quite bothered me... NOW it is..
Being the person I am, I don't take uncertainties very well... constant worrier I have been told to be... so when things don't turn out the way i have it in mind... i'm all edgy and i get mad at every single thing.. It's in times like these that I remind myself to have more faith... n just let things be and let things happen....
I suppose this is my own struggle against myself that i'm struggling with (????) And now i wonder... what happened to Debbie? I don't recognise my own thoughts these days.. and my confidence just seem to have depleted compared to the days back in IMU..
I suggest somebody to just come up to me n give me 2 tight slaps... might be just what i need to wake up :) and trust in God and myself more...
Again, I hope this is just post Biopharm stress... think i better head to bed now.... the comfort of snuggling under the duvet....zzzzzzzzzz...........................

Of 2a.m dinners and suppers...

2007-02-06T02:55:00.000Z

Yep, it's that time of the year again... EXAM season! What does that mean?? Yep.. stress, sleep deprivation, increasing sales of Nescafe from Savers, crankiness etc.......................
I think I reached the breaking point yesterday- suddenly felt like slamming the door. Problem is, I can't slam my door... no sound! Just didn't want to study, and felt exceptionally demotivated ( just like what Rach was telling me..).....
But anyway... amidst all these 'negative chi'...... I decided to 'camp' in the living room n study there like I have the past 2 nights. Then Rach came out to cook her dinner at 2.am....... n I was having something to munch. Then San came out to have her cornflakes, fighting sleepiness. And we sat there n talked-about anything our brains can comprehend at this hour. Then I thought.... sheesh, I'm going to miss this. Exam could be a mental overhaul, but how we deal with it in our own ways, together... means something.
That's why, as stressed up and cranky and moody I can get, I think I'm safe to say that I'm not alone and no matter what, there's always those 2a.m dinner/supper/breakfast with Rach n San ( or whoever's up) to look forward to... and that's truly something to treasure- all the laughing and crapping... and the serious talks...
( I can imagine Van folding her arms 'You all no need to study is it... ' ) tee hee hee... Yes we do need to study..... That's why at 2a.m, we really really wish that the theory of osmosis works on the human brain! just sleep on the book.....

And now, back to the reality of my days.. and nights- S.T.U.D.Y......... let me go boil water first =p

26 January 2007

2007-01-30T23:46:00.000Z

Happy 23rd Marieta Abdull Hamid!!

Yep, better late than never... Happy birthday me dearest buddy.... near or far... ipoh or kl, melbourne or glasgow.... doesn't change things :) so to the girl i met 10 years ago when she was a WHOLE WEEK late for school cos she went holiday.... hehe.. happy birthday once again..... :)

Out of normal..

2007-01-23T21:22:00.000Z

Tak disangka telah lama aku tidak bercerita dalam bahasa yang kian dilupai.. jadi, ku susunkan sepuluh jari memohon maaf jika ada 'meretakkan' minda sesiapa yang membaca ini.
Disebabkan ini hanyalah coretan tak bermakna, maka tiadalah makna seberapa dalam coretan aku ini... cuma mungkin ingin menceritakan teori aku yang mungkin benar mungkin tidak... (entahlah apa aku membebel ini..)
Dah jadi kebiasaan aku membancuh secawan kopi waktu malam (barangkali lebih dari satu)... demikianlah malam semalam, tetapi terlintas dalam fikiran untuk membancuh teh jugak! Jadi, kopi secawan, teh secawan... ku bawa ke dalam bilik untuk bersambungkan kerja. Sambil menghirup kopi, samalah jugak dengan teh... Kira-kira satu jam lepas tu, mulalah aku berasa tak kena... bukannya sakit perut atau sakit kepala yang menjadi-jadi.. tetapi ku rasa bagaikan mabuk dan terapung-apung! ingatkan takde lah yang teruk sangat, tapi lepas seketika, tak tahan pulak aku sampai terpaksa berbaring atas katil.. itupun rasanya terapung-apung... lepas sejam... bila bangun.... terasa pulak pening kepala.... tapi taklah seteruk sebelum tu.... cuma rasa susah nak bangkit dari katil...
jadi tulah cerita aku.... rasanya, tidak patut cuba minum kopi DAN teh bersama... tapi pulak kan.... ada jugak yang minum kopi campur teh! entahlah... mungkin ada sebab lain tapi itulah yang aku rasa tak kena sangat...
Dan berakhirlah coretan tak bermakna dan ingin aku berkata.... 'karatlah bahasa aku.... apalah yang kan Cik Latizah bekas cikgu bahasa aku katakan................. =p ' penatlah nak cerita dengan bahasa melayu.... !

A Lifetime of Friends..

2007-01-15T00:55:00.000Z

Somewhat, it's the season of partings and goodbyes. People come up with all sorts of words of comfort etc to make it easier... then maybe, it isn't so bad after all. I've never liked goodbyes.. altho it's often followed by 'see you soon', or 'till we meet again' or the classic 'keep in touch', quite often also that doesn't happen.
A very famous saying, that 'people walk in and out of our lives, but true friends leave footprints in our hearts'.... has stayed with me for quite a long time now.
As the time comes for goodbyes again, I recall those occasions when I said my goodbyes to dear friends. I used to think it's a school girl thing... and I regarded goodbyes as a serious matter, as tho I'll never see them again (morbid, i know..). But I also thought I'd get over it... make new friends etc... I never really got over it... In fact, these days, it seems harder making new friends... and when I do, there's a form of caution... for fear of having to say goodbye...
It seems ages long since I left school, leaving behind those schoolgirl days... as I look back, altho the goodbyes have been difficult, yet I smile back at the great times I had with friends I never thought I'd make... Good friends that never hesitated to straighten me up, good friends that laughed and cried with me, good friends that eventually drift apart but somehow still remain in my heart... I've lost friends along the way, but I also still have that somewhat unbreakable bond with some- even after all these years of taking separate paths... So, goodbyes really isn't forever after all.. I still have the bunch of best friends I'd never trade for lesser goodbyes... We may be different in the paths we've chosen, but to see how closely knitted we still are after all these years.... I don't have much to complain....Especially now that I've been blessed to have another bunch of great friends to add up to what seemed to have been 'lost'.. They've stomped hard enough in my life to leave those footprints for a very very long time....
I don't really have a point to make... But probably to say that I'm thankful for all the sets of footprints left in my heart... and also for those who sailed in and out of my life, but still made a change in me....

Remember how this stuck with us for so long? :
Keep shining, keep smiling,
Knowing u can always count on me, for sure..
That's what friends are for... =)

*ScRiBbLeS*